How on earth Buffy has resisted doing him is a major mystery to me, explicable only by her hair colour and little-prom-princess mindset*. Why the hell does she keep going for all those chunky blokes with faces like plates of chopped meat? Don't get me wrong; I've got nothing against raw steak faces per se. I used to like Tom Berenger. (Remember when he carried off Kirstie Alley as Rebecca at the end of 'Cheers'? Yum yum.) But Angel -- David Boreanaz -- has none of Tom's dirty sex appeal. He just looks like some oversized lunk with a face from an illustration from 'Volume 1 - The Dawn Of Civilisation'. And that Reilly bloke she's dating now is blander than school rice pudding.

While, right under her nose and for some extraordinary reason panting for her, is a lean, mean, loving machine in black leather and bleached hair (and I wouldn't be surprised if he wore eyeliner too), all taut sinew and muscle under those black t-shirts. Spike is sophisticated Old-World decadence to Angel and Reilly's lumbering, obvious New-World barbarism. I bet Spike knows some tricks that'd make Buffy's hair as white as his own.

God knows how they gave Boreanaz that name. Spike's the one who looks like the fallen angel. Lucifer in all his glory. The real mystery isn't why Buffy has resolutely refused to shag him -- little prom princesses naturally have awful taste -- but why he's so fixated on an anorexic midget who does mascara commercials. Oi, Spike, mate, any time you want a real woman, you know where to find me. We could do some, hum, intensive coaching on your British accent. I've got some learning incentives that'll take your breath away.

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