Movies
Review by Lauren Henderson Simply a superbly-made action film, featuring Chinese gangs against black ditto in a way offensive only to the lone white baddie -- I could really, really have done without his being called Roth. Anti-semitism aside, however, Romeo Must Die sweeps the board. I even stopped eating my curly fries; my breath was literally taken away by some of the scenes. Watch Jet Li escape from an ultimate-security Hong Kong prison! Roar with laughter at a brilliant martial-arts-meets-American-football-sequence! Gasp amazed as he swings around Aaliyah in a series of dizzying manoeuvres to take out a female assassin (Jet's too much of a gentleman to hit a woman)! The plot is standard, which is very sensible, allowing the film to be packed with action without having to slow down beyond the bare minimum for exposition. And it's also very nicely acted, a cut above the usual dialogue-by-numbers on which action films usually rely. Jet Li is absolutely endearing -- even when he's beating the crap out of people. And his last showdown with Russell Wong is stunning. Ah, Russell Wong... readers of the message board will already know of my infatuation for this beautiful young man, an Asian Gregory Peck with more than a hint of Keanu... and a martial arts expert too! World hath not anything to show more fair. But Romeo Must Die would be almost as good even without the presence of the divine Russell. What more can I say to recommend it? Male totty: 9 out of 10. Russell Wong, Russell Wong, Russell Wong... it would have been 10 out of 10 if he'd taken his shirt off. Filmmakers take note. And Jet Li, though by no means totty, is awfully sweet in a puppyish kind of way. Big round eyes and cute sticky-up hair.
Ready to Rumble is a very, very stupid film, capable of being enjoyed only by someone with the mental age and development of a 12-year old boy. Anyone who knows me will therefore immediately realise that I liked it considerably. The so-called plot revolves around a plan by two losers, played by David Arquette and Scott Caan, to restart the career of their hero, professional wrestler The King (Oliver Platt), who has been trashed by an evil wrestling organiser (none other than Joe Pantoliano in a very bad wig). However, as is only to be expected, the plot is a mere excuse for a riot through (a) various tasteless jokes and (b) a lot of enormous men slapping each other to the ground with grunts and groans. Excellent! David Arquette is charming, in his usual goofball way, and has some very good lines (most of which were in the trailer, but I'll quote one anyway as I doubt anyone reading this will have been to the sort of film where they show trailers for Ready To Rumble). 'Buenos nachos', Arquette says to the girl he is trying to impresss (Rose McGowan, rather wasted as the love interest. But at least she doesn't have to get her tits out). 'Why, I didn't know you spoke Spanish', she says. "I did in in school,' he drawls. 'A bunch of times.' The script is sadly not always this tight, and even I could have done without the scatological elements (Caan drives a sewage truck. More shit jokes than you could possibly imagine. But fortunately these are over by about the first half hour). Still, Caan (son of James) is very pretty and even more sweet, Oliver Platt is very funny, and that wrestler guy (Sting?) with the face painted like Kiss, who I rather like, makes a guest appearance. And the final fight scene lasts a satisyingly long time and is absolutely stuffed with men in tights crowning each other with chairs. Excellent! A small cavil: they introduce a team of backup wrestlers for The King who never make it into the final scene. Frustrating and a technical mistake -- as every fule crime writer know, you should never introduce a fighter or a weapon which you aren't going to use. Still, Ready To Rumble was an awful lot of fun. If you're me. Male totty rating: 5 out of 10. Arquette is a very specialised taste -- and I'm not Courtney Cox. But Caan is very pretty in a milk-fed hick kind of way, and we get to see a naked back view which confirms that he has a very nice bottom. He's a bit stocky but perfectly-formed. Also there are lots of men with enormous thighs besides which one's own would look positively sylph-like. |
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