Short Story|
Bebe Burghoff: Berserker or Betrayed? --frontpage headline of the Los Angeles Agenda.
From the Op-Ed! section: In response to Mr. Wright's scathing editorial, I feel compelled to defend my daughter, Bebe Burghoff. Bebe is innocent of the premeditative accusations that Mr. Wright spit with such despotic flair. Bebe is a Reactionary; her thirty-five years of existence have been desultory and apathetic because she suffers from the debilitating SAG (Superlatively Afraid of Gall) Disorder that is victimizing so much of our society. I have investigated many potential panaceas that might ease the indecisive nature of Bebe's illness including pills, hypnosis, basket-weaving for self-empowerment, clothes shopping for release of self-minimalizing tendencies, and psychic hotlines. Every possibility was pursued to elicit an appropriate expression of Bebe's self-will, yet she remained immobilized like a confused child in a state of agitated waiting. SAG sufferers are the finger-drummers of our society -- they are incapable of decision-making -- ergo, ipso facto, she could not have premeditated her actions on that fateful evening. It was that damn gardener -- he made her do it. Transcript from a Psychiatric Evaluation of Bebe Burghoff: Session #1 Conducted by Dr. Sidney Tough: Dr. Sidney Tough: Are you comfortable, Bebe? Bebe Burghoff: Um.... ST: Tell me, Bebe, has your father or any other male member of your family or immediate environments ever touched you in an inappropriate way? BB: Um...well, once when my father was hemming my pants.... they were rayon; my mother has a phobia of denim, you know. ST: Your mother is afraid of denim? BB: Yeah, she has to be really careful; a lot of people wear denim. She recently caused a pile-up on the 405 because a Bugle Boy billboard provoked her phobia. She's suing Bugle Boy and is really involved with politics now as a result of creating the FAD (Firmly Against Denim) interest group, which is why my father was hemming my rayon pants, because my mom is really busy with politics. She's really increased her vocabulary! ST: Any inappropriate touching, language, or eyebrow wiggling while your father was hemming the pants? BB: He was watching Seinfeld while he was pinning and then, well, Kramer and Newman were playing RISK on the subway; and then when Dad bent-over in a fit of chortling, he stabbed me with a pin. I didn't get it at the time. ST: What do you mean? Your father, probably a misogynist, deliberately plunged the pin into your unemancipated, enslaved physique? Is that what you mean? BB: No, I didn't get the obsession of Kramer and Newman's RISK game a year ago, but then Manny helped me connect with my very own compulsions, obsessions, and quirks-- ST: --yes, the gardener. Tell me about Manny, Bebe. Did he violate you? Betray you? BB: Oh no, I love Manny. ST: So, he seduced you? Mislead you? Misrepresented himself? Behaved advantageously? BB: No! I've been agitatedly waiting for him for thirty-five years. I've suffered from SAG Syndrome all my life until I met Him. ST: So, he preyed on your emotional deficiencies, he psychologically lured you with his meglomaniacal tendencies? BB: No, I think it was his raw appeal. ST: (audible pencil-tapping on steno pad). BB: (audible finger-drumming on faux mahogany end table). Publicly exhibited excerpt from the private and really personal Bebe Burghoff Journal (from her Journaling for Gall Period): My journaling workshop instructor also teaches people how to dress, her name is Tundra. As part of our assignment, Tundra asked us to avoid looking at our reflection in mirrors, windows, etc. I can cheat because I watch myself all the time and I don't need a mirror to do it. I am watching myself while I am writing this and I wonder which part is writing -- is it the part being watched or the part watching? There is a girl in my workshop who suffers from the dreaded IRK (Irate Relay of Knowledge) Syndrome, her name is Calico. As an IRK sufferer, she is seized by spasms of disillusionment and these spasms express themselves as furious fits of heightened cynicism, misanthropy, and irony. She curses much. She is Journaling for Purging. She wears spurs on her boots that will occasionally spark, warning of an emerging episode of disillusionment. I am going to have coffee with her and her boyfriend (a horticulturally-oriented individual) next week. Calico is a SAG sufferer's wet dream because her opinions are like bullets and she is constantly in motion. Excerpts from an interview with Sissy Burghoff, founder of FAD (Firmly Against Denim)and mother of Bebe Burghoff, for the Los Angeles Agenda: "I founded FAD because denim is amoral, particularly denim jeans. Have you ever heard denimed thighs chafing together? It's obscene. And what about the denim jean fly? There are zipper and button flies? Why so much ingenuity applied to the fly? And who wears these jeans? Rebels, pornographers and criminals! Look, just look at James Dean wrapped within all that amoral denim while performing all sorts of ethical atrocities. Statistics show that most crimes are committed by those donning denim. Could I have a glass of water? It's time for my 12:00 panic pill. Thank-you. Are denim-clad demons the right role models for our children?" "I will annihilate Bugle Boy, and in particular, Levi Strauss. Other citizens are following suit and filing claims against these wicked, slippery destroyers of society." "Oh. The Gardener. Well, I hired him to grow things at our home because he was wearing a perfectly acceptable pair of houndstooth trousers when I met him. What a facade! The police discovered denim all throughout his residence. That fiendish girlfriend of his wears nothing but button-fly jeans (audible teeth gnashing)..." Another revealing and potentially Bestselling excerpt of Bebe Burghoff's Journal: Calico's boyfriend, Manny, is now the Burghoff gardener! Even my grandmother loves him. Grandma makes him pastrami sandwiches; he devours them like a dog! I love to watch him pull weeds while that thick cigar is hanging out of his mouth. He is really understanding of my SAG sufferings and while he was spreading topsoil on an herb bed he vowed to wring opinions from me. As he was thrusting a shovel into the hard dirt at one side of the house, he said we could agree to disagree. Whenever I see him my fingers stop drumming and I feel less apathetic because he says encouraging words of wisdom like "I could care less what you do as long as you stay the hell out of my way." He's so damn autonomous! One day I hope to help him as much as he helps me. Shard of a conversation between Bebe Burghoff, Manny The Gardener, and Calico Callahan at Another Corporate Cafe'. This conversation is brought to you by the surveillance services of Eye In The Sky, Unltd.: Manny: I figure I'll create a Nasturtium fringe along the front of your parent's house -- Thanks again for helping me get the job, Bebe. Bebe: Sure, my mom likes your pants. What is Nasturtium? Calico: Those are the ones that have aorta-shaped leaves, right Baby? Manny: Sure enough. I'm still hungry. Really, I could eat a horse. Calico: Godamnit! Bebe: Is she disillusioned again? Manny: She's hot tonight. Let's go bowling, Kittens. Larry Burghoff, father of Bebe Burghoff, in a Seinfeld chatroom (post-Bebe bust): Of course it's not *really* George Steinbrenner (chortle). ;-)An especially condemning excerpt of the Bebe Burghoff Journal: It's my birthday: 35. Mother gave me shoes with tassels and oodles of stock shares in the country of Colombia. She says tasseled shoes and inoffensive textile patterns are going to be manufactured there very soon. The best part of my birthday was Manny and Calico. They gave me Mardi Gras beads, a chocolate cake and a pair of Levi 501's with a button-down fly. They Mamboed around me on the overwhelming pattern of their linoleum kitchen floor. Calico's spurs sparked. And then Archie Swoon, Head of Public Relations for Destiny, Inc., appeared on TV with Mother! Mother batted her recently lifted eyes while Archie Swoon declared war on denim. Manny and Calico are riled; Calico lit several light-anywhere matches on her inseam. She cursed much. I could only sob indecisively into my new pair of 501's (which fit like a glove!). Must do something!Police Officer Starsky interviewed LIVE! at the scene of the attempted character assassination of Gen. Archie Swoon, Head of Public Relations for Destiny, Inc.: Mikita Jamal O'Steinzales (LIVE! NEWS! Anchor): So, Officer Starsky, can you give us an appraisal of the pandemonium?! Officer Starsky: Well, Mikita (wink), we do have the criminal, the instigator of this mess apprehended. Her name is Bebe Burghoff. MJOS: Bebe Burghoff: A woman; a crime; a black night. I guess what we are all wondering is WHY? OS: Well, it could be the proliferation of senseless and random images of violence; it could be the erosion of the family unit; it could very well be denim, Mikita; Bebe Burghoff was wearing it, and wearing it quite well. MJOS: It looks like this is going to be another big blow for the denim industry. Was Bebe Burghoff working alone? OS: No, she was working in tandem with a disgruntled gardener and his girlfriend, an IRK sufferer. Bebe Burghoff's mother, who is ironically the founder of the Firmly Against Denim Movement, tells us that Bebe was trying to cope with SAG Syndrome. MJOS: So, she was victimized by SAG. The SAG Syndrome: People in an abyss of apathy. What about the gardener, which psychological imbalance does he suffer from? OS: He's just hungry. Both the gardener and his girlfriend are still at large. All surveillance cameras are operating at full speed but we need anyone that may see them to take advantage of the National SNICH (Swooping upon Nefarious and Imaginary Conspiracies against Humanity) Program and report their whereabouts ASAP. Stop Bitching! Start SNICHing! MJOS: Two women and a gardener: A mission of terror and denim gone awry. Transcript footage from the Police Interrogation of Bebe Burghoff: Officer Starsky: Where'd ya get the pies, Bebe?Bebe Burghoff: I made some for Manny. He likes cream. And I made some for Archie Swoon. I hear he's lactose intolerant (chortle, snort). OS: Archie Swoon was hit four times in the face and one time in the chest. In lieu of the trajectory and timing of the pastry hits, you couldn't have been acting alone. We found shell remnants behind a grassy knoll. BB: No, it was Me! I've overcome SAG! I've got balls! Blame Me! OS: I'm seizing those jeans. (audible teeth gnashing). BB: (audible finger drumming on metal interrogation table). Manny and Calico eat lemon cream pie with their hands while playing RISK within a shadowed Nasturtium bed.
|