October/November Advice From Mom...

Dear Mom,

I fell instantly in love with this man. He sort of liked me. I moved in with him, and then he fell in love with a blonde bombshell. They started dating (these people are probably older than you) and it turns out he's slept with everyone he knows (including, alas, me, though out of respect for the blonde bombshell, I've done my damnedest to stay away for more than three years, thank you.....) I really like his girlfriend and though I've dropped some serious clues, I sure never told her this man hasn't been faithful to her for one week... and they've been together now for several years. I take it that NOBODY is ever going to tell her... and though I am now calmer... am I really going to have to cut these people out of my life forever in order to stay sane? Everyone says she's "got to know" but as he's a really good liar (he lied to me, too) I'm quite sure she DOESN'T know...yikes...

I really am not a bitch. I swear...

And why the hell do people still act like this after high school (they were in high school in 1970!)? and what the hell's wrong with me that I'd find myself involved in something like this anyway? I did eventually move out of his house, I might add....

--Tarty Girl

My dear,

First of all, Mom would like to thank you for believing that anyone who went to high school in 1970 is younger than her. It's true, but not by much. Secondly, having been around in the 1970's, Mom knows that the real question is not "Why the hell do people still act like this after high school?" but "Why the hell do people still act like this after herpes, AIDS and chylamidia have all reared their ugly heads?"

And that, dear, is the heart of your question. To tell or not to tell? Rather 'tis nobler to let her suffer the slings and arrows of venereal misfortune or go ahead and burst her bubble now? Mom will not give a popular answer, I assure you. Nonetheless, she will answer.

IF, from your own experience or that of others, you know this man to be a responsible sexual partner, i.e., he wears condoms and follows safe sex practices, then I think the best course of action is to remain silent. Your friends are right: she probably does know, on some level, but chooses for reasons of her own not to admit it, either to herself or to others. Remember that, despite your good intentions, this ultimately is none of your business.

On the other hand, if you know or suspect he is careless in his sexual practices, than this woman's health is at risk and you may truly feel a moral obligation to tell her. If so, you have three choices. Each option requires a different level of courage. I leave you to choose your moral high ground on this:

1) Go to this man and give him one week to tell his partner or you will bust him. It would be better to get some of his other former partners to go with you so you do not take all the heat. The problem here, of course, is how do you find out he has told her all without talking to her or exposing your involvement in this man's confession? Mom suspects the fireworks will inform you, but otherwise you can hope, you can hint or you can ask.

2) Send her the worst of all possible letters for a woman to receive: an anonymous letter informing her that her partner is practicing unsafe sex and you fear she may be at risk. Do not do this unless you are absolutely certain that this is true -- otherwise, your bad karma will come around and bite you in an area very close to your own ass.

3) Though you have no business being involved in their relationship, if you truly have this woman's best interests at heart and no other ulterior motive, you could take her out to some place private and alone, such as a park, and let her know that her partner is following unsafe sexual practices and you want to make sure she knows it so she can protect herself. Assure her you are telling no one else about the situation, and that you plan to keep your information and any thing she says to you completely confidential. And make sure you do. Then leave the rest up to her.

Regardless of which course of action you choose, Mom suggests that this woman deserves better. I would urge you to immediately begin introducing her to as many single men as possible in the hopes that she will find a new boyfriend. Please do not clue her potential new mates in on the situation however, a woman in this difficult position deserves her emotional privacy as she is receiving enough of a public screwing as it is.

As for your other question: you find yourself involved in this situation because you are a nice person, you have been hurt by this man, and you do not want this woman to suffer the same hurt -- or worse. It is an admirable impulse best served by treading carefully and doing everything you can to not insert yourself into the situation, if possible.

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

I am okay in the looks department, but my boyfriend is both gorgeous and charming. Women always flock to him and it seems to me he encourages their attention. He is always telling me that some new girl has a crush on him, or he got another phone call from a platonic friend saying she was in love with him and they needed to talk, or joking around about how many women are after him. I am sick of hearing about this stuff. Why does he do it? I'm starting to think he is a conceited jerk.

- Sick of It All

My dear,

This must be an epidemic among the male species. Yours is the second letter along these lines that I have received in the last few months. Let me be clear: Your boyfriend is not a conceited jerk. He is extremely insecure and is 1) trying to reassure you he is attractive, 2) hoping to make sure you become as insecure as he is. Mom thinks he is succeeding in at least one of his goals. Mom also thinks you should dump him. We do not need to be friends with or to date people who make us feel insecure or bad about ourselves. Most of us do a good enough job of puncturing our own egos without help from the outside world.

One final word of advice: as you move onward, Mom urges you to look beyond the physical. After all, once the lights go out, an overweight man can be mighty cuddly, it doesn't matter a whit whether he has hair or not, and -- unless you are into mirrors in a big way -- looks become irrelevant. What does matter is how much he is willing and able to give back to you on many levels. Especially when it comes to oral sex. Good luck.

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

I am a guy, just so you know it. I am having a deep friendship with a very cool woman and we have been good friends for half a year now. I know she wants more, but for some reason I am scared shitless. I think she is expecting a lot more from me than what I can give her in bed. But I want to at least try because I think about her all the time and she is a lot nicer than any of my girlfriends so far. I might even be in love with her but maybe I need to sleep with her to know for sure. Help me but please do not put what state I live in. Or my name either! How can I try this so she isn't disappointed or hate me if I am dud?

- Sweating in Switzerland

My dear,

Notice how cleverly I disguised your true location? Now, as for all your questions: oh, my. Mom senses this situation is fraught with many fears for you, but the good news is that they are probably all in your head. Is this the first time you have slept with someone you really care about? Mom thought so. And you are quite right. it is very different and there is more at stake. You will feel more exposed, because more of your heart is being exposed. But the other good news is that you will find that the sex is so much better than you dared hope. So, let's agree you are going to go for it, shall we? After all, you have to dive into meaningful sex sometime, my dear. (Mom uses the phrase "dive in" purposefully, as you will see.)

How graphic did you want Mom to be? Well, no matter. The readers of Mom's column want all the dirt they can get, so I will be specific. First of all, if you are worried about size, stop it right there. She's worried, too, only about, er... well, fit might be a good way to put it. So you're in a draw right there. If Mom could stop the world from worrying about shit like that and get the world to just have a lot of fun in bed, by god, you can bet she would.. . if you really are panicked about size, whip a ruler then whip out the essential organ, get it going and measure the results at full staff. If you can top five inches, she'll never notice it's anything but normal size and you can relax. if it is less than five inches, please pay special attention to the recommended techniques in the next paragraph, as you will need to distract her and impress her with some fancy footwork, so to speak. (Note: Mom is a practical woman, dear. She wants to assure you that it is okay if you have a small penis. But, realistically speaking, it is not okay to have a small penis and also be lousy in bed.)

Nature is going to guide you, here, dear, once your mutual hormones kick in. But it would not hurt you to pick up a book on sexual techniques and to pay special attention to two areas: foreplay and oral sex. If you have neglected these areas up to now, it's time to become an expert. The woman you love deserves better.

Now... how to go about it? If you are sure that she wants to make the move from platonic to romantic, Mom recommends setting the stage by inviting her to your place for dinner, if you live alone, or out to dinner at a nice hotel if you do not. If you opt for the hotel, make sure you have rented a room beforehand (did I say this was going to be cheap?!) so she does not have to suffer the embarrassment of looking nonchalant while some pimply clerk looks her up and down.

Greet her with a rose at dinner or when you pick her up to go out. A nice piece of moderate jewelry is also nice, as it signals a shift in your relationship. Order wine. Be different without being weird. Look at her a lot, but continue to ask her questions about herself and be the good friend you have no doubt been to her before now. Touch her, hold her hand over desert if possible, then tell her that all you have been able to think about lately is her. Confess that if you don't get to sleep with her, you're going to die.

If you're at home, this is when you start kissing her and do not stop for at least fifteen minutes. I don't care if you are in the kitchen, a hallway or on the living room rug in front of the television set: a good first kiss lasts at least fifteen minutes and, preferably, thirty.

If you are in public, tell her you have rented a hotel room and ask her if she wants to go upstairs and have a nightcap while you talk about it in private (you did take care of making sure there was champagne, wine or her favorite beverage in the room, right?). Mom is sure she does not need to add that this private discussion subterfuge is a gentleman's way of asking the question; or that demanding to know if she wants to "go upstairs and get naked" is both rude and counterproductive. Once you get her upstairs, serve the promised nightcap. The moment you have served her and the two of you have taken your first sips, gently take her drink, set it down on the dresser and kiss her. Do not come up for air for at least fifteen minutes. Once you pass the fifteen minute mark, as you heat up, it is perfectly acceptable to put your hands near -- but not on -- the crucial body parts. Mom wants you to understand this, please: near is good, near is a gentleman, near is sexy, near lets her respond at her own pace and guide your progress. Slapping a hand right on breasts or grabbing her crotch is crude and ineffective. She'll feel like she is in the middle of a hockey game, not foreplay. If the kissing gets really good and hot, congratulations -- and now is the time to make sure you kiss her long and hard against as many of the room's four walls as you can imagine. There is nothing a woman loves better than being thrown slightly around a hotel room in the throes of passion.

Regardless of where you are, once you start removing each other's clothes, you are on your way. Just remember what you have learned in the sexual technique book you read: foreplay, foreplay, foreplay... in the right location, location, location. By the way, oral sex is not necessary the first time around, but should certainly be unveiled on the first night together if you decide to go for the Gold in endurance and hope to be invited back for future games...

Whew! And with that, Mom is off for a cold shower. Write me back and let me know how it goes. If it's a disaster, maybe we could get together and talk about it in a little more detail. How old did you say you were, dear?

Fondly,

Mom

October Hints from Mom:

Pulling some late nights this month? Here's a grab bag of tricks Mom uses to look and feel her best... which, if Mom may say so herself, is pretty damn good, considering.

Pearly whites: For whiter teeth, follow your regular brushing by mixing together 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda with two drops of lemon juice then brush again. The baking soda absorbs stains and the lemon juice whitens. You have to do it every day for best results, but it really works!

Puffy eyes: Slap a wet tea bag on each eye and lie down for five minutes -- or -- place a slice of cucumber on each eye and rest for five minutes -- or -- walk around your kitchen while you drink your morning coffee and press ice cubes wrapped in a wet wash cloth against each eye in turn. Bonus for using ice: if you can stand the sensation, pressing it against the rest of your face wakes you up and gives your skin a rosy glow.

Avoid raccoon eyes: Mask the results of misbehaving the night before more effectively. Avoid using white or light beige concealers on your under-eye shadows. These only highlight lines and make the puffiness appear worse than it is. Instead, mix peach or yellow color corrector into your regular foundation and apply it lightly with a brush. This strategy only works if you are Caucasian, of course....

Boost your energy: Limit your coffee to two cups or less a day to avoid the energy drain that dehydration brings.

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