. . . never gave you, from Tarts who have been there, done that, and seen it all.
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I’m pregnant, and my mother is currently bulk-knitting hideous 'fleck' beige, really itchy eczema-giving cardigans for my unborn which she will then expect to see worn by it on every occasion. I am desperate. The thought of these things stacking up in the baby’s room is driving me insane. How do I get her to stop? She’s turned into a bad-knitting machine… TERRIFIED FIRST-TIME MUM-TO-BE Darling Terrified, Everyone would love exquisite hand-knits for their newborn, and you are sitting on a potential goldmine here if you have the nous to exploit it. How can you do that? Easy. Go to a posh knitting shop, or find a lovely store online. Buy lots of lovely soft non-allergenic wool and post/hand it to your mum, telling her that these are your favourite baby colours, and would she mind using it as a favour to you? If you don’t think she would be offended, you can go a step further and buy some pretty patterns to give her as well –- the advantage here of going to a store, rather than going online, is that the staff should be able to give you plenty of help and advice. Repeat as necessary, with lots of compliments to her knitting skills, and sit back and gloat that, for just the price of the wool, you have the kind of handknit wardrobe for your baby that only the super-rich could afford to buy in shops. Congratulations and have an easy birth! My sister recommends Percocet for labour pains, by the way… Mom Dear Mom, How do you get rid of a really nice accountant that you've been with since the very beginning, because after six years you've finally realised that you're not one hundred per cent sure what he does for all that money? FEELING GUILTY BUT ALSO WONDERING IF I’M POORER THAN I NEED TO BE Darling Feeling Guilty, Do you feel that your accountant is actually incompetent? If so, you should leave. If you're not sure, why not interview a couple of new accountants, get them to give you a breakdown of what they would do for you, then check your accounts and see if your old one is on a par with them? if yes, hooray, you can stick with him -- if no, you know where to go next. Good luck, and feel free to buy me a nice pressie if you end up with a whacking great overpayment cheque from the IRS as a result… Mom Dear Mom, How do you stop your best friend from presenting you with the kind of birthday gifts that make a handkerchief set seem positively desirable??? Every year I get something truly horrible from her, and the misery of having to pretend to be happy about it is compounded by the fact that she then wants to see me in it -– she usually buys me clothes or accessories. Last birthday she gave me a boiled-wool handbag that looked as if it had been made from yaks that had died from some horrible disease, and then got upset because she hasn’t seen me with it yet. I can’t even take them to the local charity shop because she lives round the corner and might spot them if she goes in. I panic every time a birthday comes round, because I know she’ll get me something even more awful than the present she got me last year. I keep dropping hints about things I might actually like to get, but she never seems to pick up on them. IN BIRTHDAY HELL AND WISHING I WASN’T Darling Birthday Hell, No need to panic any more -– there’s an easy and pleasurable way to resolve this situation permanently! Do some research online at sites for local spas, then tell your friend that you have seen a great offer for a spa day and why don’t you go together as a joint treat for both your birthdays. Afterwards, exclaim how happy you are and say that you should do that every year for your birthdays as a special outing that the two of you will look forward to every year. I actually have done this myself with two of my girlfriends, and it works like a charm. Now go get pampered! Mom Dear Mom, I am an English woman living in America with an American husband. Happily, we are expecting our first child, a boy, and we are both over the moon about it. But here’s the problem: how do you tactfully explain to your American husband that saddling an English child with a name like Hunter, Duquesne, Dustin or Wyatt is not just bad taste, but a breach of said child's fundamental human rights? NOT WANTING TO CALL MY BABY BRAD Dear N-W-T-C-M-B-B, Pick some really awful English names like Cedric, Tristram and Humphrey. Secretly relish your husband’s look of horror when you suggest them, but conceal your true feelings by sobbing, pleading and insisting that you've always wanted to call a boy ‘something English and traditional’. Your husband will be in such a state of panic at the idea of little Humphrey getting the shit kicked out of him at school every day that he will completely forget about his own list of names and be more than happy to feel that he has eventually broken down your resistance as you wipe away your tears and 'compromise' on the name you really want to call the sproglet.... Happy birthing! See response to Terrified above for drug suggestions during labour… Mom
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