Fall 2002 Advice From Mom....

Dear Mom,

What are your thoughts on a single woman dating married men? My friends and I are in our late 30's and figure it's time to relax our moral standards or we will never get laid again. There are plenty of married men in our office and hanging out at the bars after work.

- Faceless Thirty-Something

My dear,

Mom thinks it's time for you and your friends to start sleeping with each other if you truly want to get laid. Why? For centuries, both men and women have perpetuated the myth that married men are a wonderful source of sex with no commitment or fuss. Alas, Mom is here to assure that this is pure poppycock -- with damn little other cock involved. Married men are not after sex when they make the decision to cheat on their wives. They are after intimacy and romance. They want to feel adored, appreciated, listened-to and treasured.... getting banged in the process is gravy. Chances are good that their poor partners are too tired from picking up after three bratty kids to provide intimacy at the end of a long day, and chances are also good that you will tire of providing it when you get little in return for your efforts. As for the sex, married men who are nice guys -- and thus worthy of sleeping with in the first place without incurring massive health risks -- inevitably feel guilty on some level for cheating on their wives. The chief indicator of this guilt is, you guessed it, a flag that often lies at half mast. If you want to give blow jobs until your teeth fall out, by all means attempt to remedy the situation. But, frankly, dears -- who wants to do all that work with no payback? In addition, you will find that as the Other Woman, you are always cast in the role of the person who must be periodically and regularly pushed away if your married partner hopes to keep his conscience finely-balanced between rationalization and realization. Being treated in this manner is not a fair trade-off, no matter how many red dresses or fabulous teddies you get to wear in your role as Jezebel. And so, to sum it up: Mom objects to dating married men on purely practical terms -- which allows her to nicely sidestep the moral implications involved. Isn't that nice for her?

Fondly,
Mom

Dear Mom,

My boyfriend is a talented graphic designer and photographer. He is also good-looking. More good-looking than me, if you want to know the truth, but I am smarter and more successful so he's not doing too badly either. I have put up with people always looking at us like "how did she ever manage to catch him?" for a long time and I think I can live with that, especially since he is starting to lose his hair in front and has put on some weight. But lately he has started to talk incessantly about how beautiful this woman is or that woman is and to flirt with them in an obvious and sometimes embarassing manner. The women are always much younger than me. He says it doesn't mean anything, that he is just an "aesthete" and a great admirer of beauty. He says that his karmic role in this lifetime has to do with the issue of beauty and he is only searching to complete his karmic tasks by cataloging and preserving it in his work. Okay, fine. Who am I to argue with someone's karmic lesson? But what the fuck happens when we grow older and I gain weight and get wrinkles and don't fit in with his aesthetic standards? I am in my late thirties and he just turned forty. We have lived together for twelve years but are not married.

- Plain Jane in NYC

My dear,

Mom thinks time will take care of the problem. As soon as your boyfriend starts to go bald and puts on fifteen more pounds plus a few more years, Mom suspects he will discover that he is not as appealing to twenty-something beauties as he once was. As soon as the young lovelies fail to flirt back, these women that he is only interested in from a purely aesthetic standpoint (of course) will suddenly appear shallow and insipid. He will then inform you that his karmic lesson in life is to search for inner beauty, to "seek out something deeper in a looks-obsessed world". Mom urges you not to hit him over the head with his iMac when this happens. Something tells Mom that your boyfriend will soon enough be a less-than-desirable stereotype found pursuing the girls on "Sex and the City". He will not realize this, alas, and will likely embarass himself several times as a result before he gets the message. Sadly, men have difficulty grasping the loss of their appeal and their egos often overlook their physical deterioration for decades or more. But the truth is that the transition period between being a desirable, experienced older man and being a wrinkled old coot whose claw is inching toward your pert thighs only lasts about one week. He's heading that way, trust me.

Yes, Mom is as tired of you are of that hoary old excuse about "being an aesthete". Why not simply acknowledge you are superficial and skip all the bullshit? Well, romance, life and so much more depends on a thin veneer of illusion and those illusions so often depend on our finding urgent reasons for unreasonable urges. Your boyfriend desires youth because his is slipping away. So he seizes on beauty as his excuse, and defines beauty as youth. Mom has pity for him. Mom thinks he may need you. If your only complaint about him is this foolishness, then Mom urges you to 1) forgive him for it; 2) join him in it by admiring young men as often as possible in his presence; and 3) stroking his poor flaccid ego (or elsewhere) whenever necessary. Simply put, he's going through a midlife crisis and lacks your self-awareness. Take the high road and this, too, shall pass.

Fondly,
Mom

Dear Mom,

I have horrible skin and am only thirteen. I am going to be a freak by the time I am fifteen. What can I do to get rid of it? Please don't use my name.

- Anonymous

My dear,

Mom feels your pain. She had terrible skin as an adolescent and still remembers being called "Pizza Face" in junior high school. Nonetheless, Mom has evolved beyond petty resentments against the people who devised this nickname and, today, if a UPS truck were to run over that bitch Debbie Damler and instantly kill her, then Mom would surely find a way to feel bad about her death. But Mom disgresses. Before we go into how to deal with acne on a practical basis, know this: your oily skin today will make you the envy of all your friends once you turn thirty-five. People who suffer from acne in their teens often have the most gorgeous, supple skin as they get older. Plus, wrinkles will come much later to you. Is this a fair trade-off? Honey, take it from Mom: you're going to be older a hell of a lot longer than you are going to be an adolescent. So try to love your oily skin and think of it as an investment in the future.

Now, here is what you can do to help control it. (Note: adults may want to skip this answer as graphic and downright gross.) First of all, realize that there is only so much you can do about it. Even if you keep it scrupulously clean, eat right and drink lots of water, the truth is this: if you are prone to breaking out, you will continue to break out. It's all happening on a level beneath your control. So your best bet is to attack it using a 2-pronged approach. First of all: removal. Mom realizes that the first thing your mother likely told you was not to pick at your face. Well, this is nonsense. If you were to go to an expensive salon and ask for a facial, a woman who looks alarmingly like a concentration camp guard would briskly snap on thin plastic gloves then proceed to meticulously pop every pimple she could find on your face with the help of a magnifying glass and a 3,000-watt light bulb. She would then hand you a bill for several hundred dollars. The difference between her picking your face and you picking your face is this: one, her hands are very clean and she dabs toner on each pimple after she touches it. Make sure you do the same. Two, she only attacks those blemishes with a head and has the self-discipline to leave mere bumps alone. You must do the same. Mom knows this is hard, but repeat after me: "if there is a head, I may pop it. If it is only a hard bump, I must leave it alone." There is one exception to this rule: if you feel a blemish developing and it is still in the hard bump stage, try putting a large ice cub in a wet washcloth then rubbing it in a circular motion over the bump. Keep it up for five or ten minutes, or until you get bored (it is not the most exciting task in the world). You may be able to break up the accumulated fluid far beneath the surface and eliminate the blemish before it starts. This is an old trick models use, and Mom has used it with semi-successful results when she has found herself in the unenviable position of modeling middle-aged pimples. Finally, at night, always apply Clearasil or another brand of acne cream. They can go a long way to controlling outbreaks, and, believe Mom, so long as the active ingredient is 10% benzoyl peroxide... you will see some results. If that strength proves too harsh for your skin and makes it flake, drop down to a 5% solution.

Now, let us move on to camoflauge since, as Mom has stated, you can not stop your face from breaking out. The first thing you must do is waltz down to your local drug store or department store and purchase a tube of pure YELLOW cream make-up. Maybelline makes a $6 version of this; Estee Lauder has a tube for $25 (but it last you for over a year and is well worth the cost). For some reason -- to other people's eyes -- the yellow cream will completely cancel out the redness of a spot. Dab the tiniest bit of yellow on each of your blemishes and, with a fingertip, gently dab the cream on the spot again and again until the red disappears and you have only the faintest yellow cast to the area. Next, take foundation or concealer then dab a tiny bit of it on top of the yellow-covered blemish. Never rub or stroke foundation or cover-up on acne, always dab (and always avoid putting powder on blemishes at all). You may have to dab repeatedly to cover the spot with a natural look. If the blemish has been picked at and has a small scab, you will first have to remove the scab -- only the dry part, no fresh skin -- then wait for any bleeding to stop before you dab over it with yellow cream or concealer. If you don't want to pick at the scab, or in the case of uneven blemishes, you will need to dab your yellow cream and top coat on the spot from several different directions in order to cover the ridges of skin and scab. Mom hopes these instructions make sense to you. Practice in front of a mirror until you get the technique just right and remember: one day your oily skin will be your best asset! Hang in there, dear, and good luck.

Fondly,
Mom

Dear Mom,

I am 34 years old and my boyfriend is 19 years old. We have been together for a year and it's been wonderful, not to mention we both look like we are in our early to mid 20's. We are very energetic, athletic, adore one another and are very much in love. We share the same beliefs in many catagories and issues on life in general. His parents love me and my brothers approve of him which means a lot to me. He is very mature for his age and I love listening to him and learning from him. Though he is young, he has excellent logic and very intelligent. We respect one another and trust each other.

Ok, now the problem. I sensed something was wrong with him the other day.... I asked him what was wrong and he said, "something is missing." He said it had nothing to do with me and it wasn't another woman. He didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and wanted to live by himself. My heart was crushed! I couldnt help but cry, so he came over to hug me and told me how sorry he was. He said he wanted to remain my friend, but I am too emotionally involved with him to be just that. He can either be in my life, or out of it. I told him regardless of how bad it hurt me, I wanted him to be happy and I cant force him to stay in a relationship. That would be selfish of me. He said that was very mature of me to make that statement, and I really meant it. I have a history of being selfish a times but in moderation.

An hour went by, and we had a long discussion of how we could make this work. He wants me in his life but doesn't want me there all of the time. I was so confused and didn't have an answer. I have never seen him cry, and he did. It broke my heart. He was crying because the thought of us not being together tore him apart, as well as myself. He got very quiet and went into deep thought then turned around and hugged me and said, "I could never leave you". He wants to stay in my life forever and was so sorry he just put me through this emotionally, confused ordeal.

He decided to stay. My heart was so happy, yet scared that this might happen again down the road. I'm scared that he couldn't make the right choice because his emotions got in the way during the hurtful moment. The pain was too overwhelming and he realized how he really wanted me in his life. He said, "we will work through this, and we always do."

A similiar incident happened a few months ago and scared me. We always work through our problems and resolve them and have great communication skills. My concern is, is this going to happen again? I worry because of his age, he hasn't experienced the life lessons that will make him grow. Is it possible for him to experience these lessons while staying in this relationship? I don't want him to resent me later down the road.

I am lenient with him so he doesn't feel constricted and never treat him like I am his mother. He hangs out with his friends that are his age and does the things teen-agers do sometimes. Hell, I even participate at times and have so much fun. He is more mature than his friends, and I feel like his friends bring him down to their level. I know it's up to him to decide what the limits are.

Do you think this will work for us? We love each other so much and swear we are soulmates. Every day is like our first day for us and we look forward to our future together. Buying a house and a boat are in our near future plans and we want to grow old together. Even our friends comment how well we get along and give off so much love to each other.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance,

Scared In Love

My dear,

Sometimes when you write Mom, you do not get the answer you really want to hear and I am afraid that this is what is going to happen in your case. First, to answer your direct questions: does Mom think this will happen again? Yes. In fact, she thinks that by the time you read this, it probably has already happened again. Does Mom think your young man can grow while in a relationship with you? No, she does not. Please see my reasons below. Does Mom think it will work out for the two of you? No, not unless you change your approach to him immediately.

Now Mom will explain: we all do the best we can in a relationship. We walk a fine balance between trying to protect ourselves from hurt and trying to respect another person's desires and need to grow. But in your case, what Mom suspects happened, is that you -- with your superior emotional maturity, greater experience with people and, no doubt, stronger economic resources -- managed to talk a 19-year old boy with little experience in the world out of his feelings after he gathered his courage to bring the subject up. We do not talk the people we love out of their feelings. We try to help them define them correctly and then respect them. I realize from your letter that this is what you are trying to do on your most honorable level, but it is not what you did in the heat of the moment.

You can not keep this young man, no matter how much of a soulmate he may be, in a fulfilling relationship with you by force or emotional manipulation. He is nineteen years old: he has never had the chance to live on his own; choose his own friends and his friends alone; experiment with who he is; stand on his own two feet. The list could go on and on. It is immaterial how well you get along, how much you have in common or whether or not you are soulmates. This is his life and he is just beginning it. He has the right to live it the way he wants to and, frankly, at his age he has the right to live it without fear of hurting another person's feelings -- at least for a little while. Mom is also disturbed by your comments about his friends bringing him down to their level. That is HIS level, as well. Your young man should be immature at 19, he should be able to be silly, exhibit poor judgment and take risks. That is what being 19 is all about. I hope next time he finds the nerve to bring up what he wants, you will give him the room he seeks. He probably will not come back to you, Mom will not deceive you on this point, but you will have a far better chance of having him in your life if you give him room to grow than you will by keeping him in your relationship beyond his comfort level.

I will leave you with this true story: when Mom was a few years older then you are now -- oh so many years ago -- she met a wonderful 22-year old boy. However, this 22-year old boy had been with a 38-year old woman for the past five years, ever since he was 17 years old and met her at a bar during his first few days in America. Recognizing a gem, she snapped him up, she supported him, he lived with her and she lived with him.... then he started to grow restless. In response, she grew increasingly more fearful of losing him and increasingly intolerant of his seeing other people or, eventually, even leaving their apartment without her. After a year of her living in fear of losing him -- and him being a prisoner bound by what he thought at the time was love -- the inevitable happened. He grew to hate her. In the end, he had to demonize her to get away and, just as inevitably, she rose to the challenge. She became a raging harpie who did her best to destroy him and anyone new he dared to bring in his life. Had he not had the good sense to date Mom -- who dealt with the aging harpie in a swift and effective manner -- the poor boy would never have had a chance at happiness. Life being messy, of course, he went on to make a disasterous marriage with the first girl he ever dated who was his own age... followed by an expensive divorce.... and, hang with me, finally, after about ten years of repairing the damage that his first girlfriend did, is now, at long last, finding himself, finding his feet, finding supportive friends his own age and dating some sweet young thing who makes Mom look like Ruth Gordan on a bad day. And you know what? Mom is very happy for him.

Don't become someone he has to hate in order to stand up to you. Talk to him about what he really wants and use your greater experience and understanding to help him, not keep him. You have, in your hands, the opportunity to outgrow your "history of being selfish at times, but in moderation" in one glorious fell swoop. I hope you avail yourself of this chance. I also hope that, with love and luck, you find he does indeed stay in your life.

Fondly,
Mom

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