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. . . Never gave you from Tarts who have been there, done that, seen it all by Katy Munger |
Dear Mom,
I am thinking of getting a vibrator but am too embarassed to ask my friends whether I should get the long kind that looks like a you-know-what or the flat kind that you press against your you-know-what. What do you recommend?
Savvy Consumer
My dear,
Buy both kinds. It's not like they're rationed or anything. But please be advised that being specific in future letters to Mom is best -- her imagination is far too fevered for such phrases as "you-know-what" to do much good. I fear I'll be speculating about the possibilities for weeks to come.
Fondly,
Mom
Dear Mom,
I am 33 years old, live in a big city, can't find a boyfriend and feel like crap every time Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around and all my married friends start making a big fucking deal about the holidays. Should I kill myself now or wait until I gain 300 pounds and am really pathetic?
Perpetual Bridesmaid
My dear,
If you kill yourself now you will not be around to gloat once all your paired-up friends start having kids and go insane. You must learn to celebrate your freedom. Here's what I recommend:
1) Forget finding a boyfriend. Desperation is an anti-aphrodisiac. Instead of spending your money trying to buy the affection of disinterested, self-centered pricks, spend that money on yourself. Upgrade your wardrobe, go to a big-deal stylist, take a vacation to Italy and screw as many handsome men as your schedule allows.
2) Don't be so hard on yourself. Would you let a girlfriend think of herself as a failure just because she isn't picking up some slob's underwear off her bathroom floor? Write down what you would say to a girlfriend in a similiar circumstance and read it back to yourself as needed.
3) Tell yourself you are sitting out the first round and will jump back into the dating scene once everyone has gotten their first marriage (and first divorce) over with. That will give you a couple of years breathing room and in the meantime some other woman can do all the hard work of training the chastened boyfriend that you will then pick up on the rebound.
4) Change your behavior: Do not ever miss doing anything you want to do simply because you do not have a date. Dress fabulously, go alone, and tell everyone your date had to cancel because he was performing emergency surgery. Do not ever, under any circumstances, cancel a date with a girlfriend just because some guy calls. And, do not ever waste more than a week corresponding with some guy on-line before you meet him and find out if the chemicals work or not. These three simple rules bank good karma for you, keep your life moving forward and put you in control.
5) Holidays must be viewed as incredible opportunities to get away. Go to some place warm, sit around the pool with strangers, make new friends, work on your tan and send your family and friends postcards to make them jealous. It's your Christmas present to yourself, so start saving for it now.
6) If what you miss is talking to other people unconnected to your career, get a dog and walk it twice a day. You'll meet other dog owners and burn calories. You'll also find your dog is a better listener than any boyfriend you've ever had.
Do all these things and when some guy does come along, you'll find you are enjoying your life so much that your standards have risen considerably. You will spend more time with better people and a hell of a lot less time kissing toads.
Fondly,
Mom
Dear Mom,
My big sister is a total bitch to me, just because she is sixteen and I am only fourteen. I want to make her pay. Any advice?
Sissy In Mississippi
My dear,
First of all, you are not old enough to be reading this column. But since you have obviously already stumbled on our little den of iniquity, I am here to help. The best way to make your sister pay is to:
1) Emphasize that all of today's supermodels are no older than 15 and it's a shame she has missed the boat.
2) Borrow her clothes as often as possible, without asking, always remarking on how loose they are on you.
3) Do your best to be better looking than her and flirt with any boy she brings around.
4) Snoop in her room and bring any birth control devices and/or drugs to your mother's immediate attention. For your sister's own good, of course.
Mean, huh? Can you tell I had four sisters?
Fondly,
Mom
Dear Mom,
My husband refuses to perform oral sex on me. What can I do?
--High and Dry in Toledo
My dear,
I am afaid that this is one trick you will not be able to teach your old dog. Extensive TART-sponsored studies have shown that a man either does or doesn't by age 18. Which should give you a new respect for the heavy responsibilities teen-age girls must bear.
If you want to give it the old college try anyway, I would urge you to immediately cut him off from all oral stimulation, if only to preserve a sense of fair play. Then trade him minute-for-minute until he figures out it is well worth his while to take the plunge. Make sure you make a really big deal about it if you do manage to get him to test the waters. Sounding like Joan Collins on Ecstasy helps motivate him to try and try again.
If none of this works, you may want to consider getting yourself a girlfriend. Being bisexual is no longer trendy, but it can be a lot of fun.
Fondly,
Mom
Dear Mom,
My girlfriends and I want to go to Europe and meet some cute guys. Any advice on which countries offer us the best lovers?
Collette
My dear,
You give new meaning to the term "wanderlust". Mom is hesitant to start an international incident by making sweeping generalizations. At the same time, she recognizes that a EuroPass can only go so far.
Hence, please be advised that, despite the bad rap French men get when it comes to showers, they do, indeed, deserve their reputation as wonderful lovers. The only trouble is that you are likely to be upsetting a whole slew of people when you bed one. French men often have not only girlfriends, but boyfriends waiting in the wings to call you a big blonde American whore.
After the French, I'd give a big thumbs-up to the Dutch, whose men are sturdy, enthusiastic and more than willing to take orders from you. The Italian, for sheer physical beauty, come next. Go Spanish if you are lucky enough to land a Flamenco dancer. Think British if you enjoy pillow talk and are willing to trade a nice accent for technique. As for the rest, well, frankly, I find the Germans and Austrians to be boring. Must be all that sausage.
Yours in international peace and understanding.
Fondly,
Mom
All our Tarts have Tips! Here are a few Mom collected from others around the bar:
Bragging rights: Too much sex give you an incipient bladder infection? As soon as the early burning begins, get thee to a herbal patch (or the produce section of a grocery store) and buy some fresh parsley. Boil water, soak about 1/4 cup of chopped parsley in it to make a strong tea, and drink up to four or five times a day. Takes care of the problem, contains less calories than cranberry juice, freshens your breath and sure as hell beats spreading 'em for the gyno yet again....
Good idea everywhere but Italy: For you Travelin' Tarts, a bra-safe could save your budget, if not your life. Before a trip, fashion a pocket inside your bra using two small pieces of fabric and some adhesive-backed velcro. make it big enough for a small piece of paper holding your travelers check numbers and a folded hundred dollar bill. You won't always know when your pocket gets picked, but unless you're comatose or have overdosed on implants you're likely to know if your bra is being picked.
In a pinch? A metal screw-top cigar tube makes a dandy and interesting tampon carrying case, keeping the tampon dry even if you have to ford a river or get caught in a flood.
Got a tip for Mom? Mail your ideas to mom@tartcity.com or post in the Mom's forum on our Message Board. Be sure to let Mom know if you'd like public credit for your hint or prefer to remain anonymous. Readers are advised to take Mom's advice at their own peril. This column is strictly entertainment, if that's not obvious already.