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. . . Never gave you from Tarts who have been there, done that, seen it all by Katy Munger |
Dear Mom,
My husband recently convinced his doctor to write him a prescription for Viagra and is now driving me insane. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was trying to make up for twenty-two years of fatigue-impaired libido in a single month. I am sick and tired of being awakened in the night by a stiff poker in my back. What can I do to cool his ardor without kissing my marriage good-bye?
Sleepless in Seattle
My dear,
Please do not get Mom started on the subject of Viagra. She is still finding it difficult to comprehend that in the last decade of the 20th Century — after over 100 years of non-stop effort by women to achieve equality — it would never occur to researchers at a major pharmaceutical company to test Viagra on females as well as males from the beginning. Frankly, Mom would love to lock that entire lot of short-sighted lab rats in a room of heavily Viagra-dosed baboons and see how they like it.
Be that as it may, a few basic ground rules are in order for you and the thousands of women in your same boat. For starters: you get custody of the damn pills. That way, if he wants to take one, you at least receive advance notice and can hide in the closet, if you so choose. Secondly, don’t let inertia get in the way here. Your entire body, especially your hormonal system, has changed a lot during those twenty-two years of no-nookie: you may be astonished at how much more you enjoy sex as an older woman (and at how much younger it makes you feel). Please give it a try and dispense the Viagra with a generous hand. Finally, if your husband is going to be on Viagra cruise control, I do hope you will consider imbibing a stiff margarita or other relaxant as part of foreplay, so you can be in the mood as well. You’re trying to relax years of habit and, perhaps, learned inhibition at this point. Go for it — and may the force be with you.
Fondly,
Mom
Dear Mom,
I thought I was engaged to a wonderful man — until I found out he slept with my little sister after we had a bad argument last summer. He felt so bad about it, he gave me a diamond tennis bracelet, which I admit is pretty nice and must have cost him at least $8,000. I tried to forgive him, but could not, and we broke up for good last month. Now he wants his 2-carat engagement ring and the diamond tennis bracelet back. Am I morally obligated to return them?
Single Again in Tampa
My dear,
You situation only seems tricky. Under the Solomon-esque Secret Rules of the Self-Respecting Sisterhood, protocol dictates that you should return the ring but may keep the bracelet. Here’s why: the ring is a symbol of your commitment to a man who, quite frankly, turned out to be a scum-sucking pig. Why would you want to be reminded that you once agreed to pledge your entire future to such a low-life? Give it back happily (perhaps while casually mentioning that it looks tacky next to the exquisite garnet ring your new beau has given you, anyway.)
On the other hand, the bracelet is blood money, a monetary acknowledgement by your fiancee that he was a complete asshole. You are under no obligation to return this glittering attempt at emotional bribery. If it were Mom, however, she would exchange the bracelet for a piece of jewelry that does not constantly remind her of betrayal. In your case, Mom recommends a nice choker of sufficient length to get the message across to your sister that she’s dead meat if she so much as looks cross-eyed at one of your men again.
Fondly,
Mom
Dear Mom,
I really want to knock my boyfriend’s socks off for his birthday, but I’m not sure either one of us could keep a straight face if I greeted him at the door swathed in Saran wrap or wearing a furry pink negligee. Besides, he has already invited about ten people over to our apartment to help him celebrate. What do you suggest?
Wondering in San Jose
My dear,
Mom has always considered the Phyllis Schlafly School of Sexual Artifice to be not only redundant, but demeaning. I only dress up in ridiculous costumes when my partner is doing the same. Frankly, I recommend serving tequila shots at the party, giving your boyfriend a blow job in the bathroom at the height of the festivities and then attacking him for sex on the kitchen table as the grand finale (after the other guests have gone, of course.) This technique is straight from the Carmen Diaz School of Dating, and look where it got her: she’s boffing Jared Leto, the lucky little Tart. Besides, a little straightforward ripping-off-of-the-clothes never made anyone feel like an over-the-hill Vegas prostitute caught in a 1950’s time warp.
Fondly,
Mom
Dear Mom,
I hated my mother when she was alive — she was the original Bad Tart, sort of a cross between Auntie Mame and Joan Crawford. It was never safe to leave my boyfriends alone with her and she absolutely had to be the center of attention, no matter what. She embarrassed me countless times during my life and I always thought I’d be relieved when she finally kicked off. Well, she died last Monday (stroked out over a craps table in Atlantic City while dating a man one-half her age) and now I feel terrible. I miss her and hate myself for the things I thought about her when she was alive. What can I do to feel better?
Eloise in New York (regrettably, not at the Plaza)
My dear,
You can start by forgiving yourself. Just because the entire Western World rehabilitated Richard Nixon after his death, you need not do the same for your mother. The truth is that people like your mother make wonderful friends, exciting lovers and fabulous hostesses — but they often make lousy mothers, as this is a profession seldom enhanced by self-centeredness and non-stop spontaneity. I’m sure your mother knew this in her heart and would expect nothing but the truth from you at this time. That does not mean you won’t miss her. You have lost a great source of passion in your life.
The finest way to honor your mother is to take the very best of what she gave you: her energy, her refusal to conform, her zest for life, her spitting age in the face — and incorporate these traits into your own life as best you can. This is her legacy to you. Pass on her better side and she will live forever. And you will live the better for it.
Good luck and please remember, when it comes to times like this: you can’t go over them, you can’t go under them, you can’t go around them. You just have to find a way to get through them.
Fondly,
Mom
Dear Mom,
There is this incredibly intelligent, work-obsessed and very shy man at my office. We work in different departments, but often consult on the same projects. I am absolutely crazy about him. He’s really hot in a rumpled-hair, unaware-of-his-own attractiveness sort of way. Plus, he wears tailored shirts and pleated pants, which really turn me on. What’s the best way to let him know I am interested without scaring him off?
Panting in Pittsburgh
My dear,
Mom recommends organizing a group celebration after the completion of your next project, preferably at a local bar which features both a large common area (for early in the evening when your co-workers are with you) and cozy tables (for later in the evening, when you have culled him out from the crowd and are preparing to jump his bones). Get him very drunk, confess your attraction and spirit him away to a prearranged trysting place. By morning, Mom doubts shyness will be a problem for either one of you.
One word of warning: if he is intelligent, attractive and a good dresser to boot, Mom advises you to be prepared for the possibility that your dreamboat is not shy at all — simply gay. If that’s the case, ask him if he has a brother and move on graciously.
Fondly,
Mom
Dear Mom,
Last year, I met a married woman at a work-related conference, and after sharing a few drinks and war stories, I realized that my life would not be complete until I tasted the sweet passions of her forbidden fruit. Any advice on how to go about doing this? She is a smart, sophisticated lady with the most beautiful eyes and the most voluptuous body. She won't easily fall for idle flattery. I'm supposed to be seeing this sultry older woman again in June, so any "love moves" you can come up with between now and then would be appreciated. Pictures are a plus!
Lili from Atlanta
My dear,
At this point in my life, any pictures involving older women are of the Grandma Moses kind. So I shall confine myself to a few pithy words of advice: First of all, be careful what you wish for. You may get it. We all seek sexual and/or emotional mental refuge from the daily grind of our real relationships. If this woman makes a fabulous fantasy, you may well need her more as a dream than as a reality. Secondly, this is not a situation where subtlety is likely to get you anywhere. You are asking this woman to leap the traditional boundaries of age and sexual orientation. You will need to be direct. Let her know, preferably in advance, that you are serious about being physically attracted to her and want to do something about it next time you meet.
Do not be offended if she turns you down. It is difficult to believe at your tender age, but an older women may well feel a good night’s sleep and a chance at looking refreshed in the morning is worth more than a role in the hay with her profession’s equivalent of Angelina Jolie. Horrible, isn’t it? If this occurs, do not despair. Be a smart ass. Simply send her up a jar of Metamucil with your compliments, and perhaps a side order of estrogen supplements. She’ll get the message. Next thing you know she may take you up on your offer after all. Indeed, for all I know, she could toss you over her shoulder and spirit you up to her hotel room for a few days of room service and lust. So start eating your Wheaties now (although Mom has always maintained that Grape Nuts provide your tongue and jaws with a much more efficient work-out). If she calls your bluff, you will need all the stamina you can get. After all, age does have some advantages over youth....
Fondly,
Mom
All our Tarts have Tips!
Here are a few Mom collected from others around the bar:
This tip from Jeri gives new meaning to requests to sit on your face, but we swear it really works. If you wish to keep your best face forward, Preparation H is not only great for burns— in all places — but wonderful for bags under the eyes. In addition, PREMARIN, a vaginal cream, is loaded with estrogens and other good stuff that can help you get rid of your wrinkles. Remember, good skin care can make the difference between just another asshole and a star....
Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger... and be without your Bianca after chowing down on garlic chicken or, god forbid, Doritos at the bar. Don’t panic. Take a turn around the nearest dining room on your way to powder your nose, and beg the parsley garnish from an empty plate or sympathetic waiter. Chew thoroughly for a very effective breath freshener (parsley is the main ingredient in those ultra-strong pills sold to cure bad breath).
Face it, the best cure for a hangover is lots of sex at the end of the night before. Nothing like a little exercise to sweat the alcohol from your blood. But let’s say you went home alone (we all have such nights) and woke up feeling as if someone has stuffed hot camel dung in your head and released rabid goldfish into your gut. What’s a girl to do? To be blunt, we’ve found that orgasm is one of the very best natural cures for a blinding headache and it sure as hell distracts you from nausea. Why? Climaxing releases endorphines and other good stuff into your bloodstream, where they linger to restore harmony and bliss. So, after you’ve puked your guts out, sipped a glass of Coke on ice, floated your head in a hot bath and admitted that you simply can’t face jogging it out (also effective) — bring out the emergency vibrator. Remember — it’s for medicinal purposes only, so you can feel guilt-free to repeat as needed. (Note: many women find this technique effective for impending migraines as well.)
Got a tip for Mom? Mail your ideas to mom@tartcity.com or post in the Mom's forum on our Message Board. Be sure to let Mom know if you'd like public credit for your hint or prefer to remain anonymous. Readers are advised to take Mom's advice at their own peril. This column is strictly entertainment, if that's not obvious already.