. . . Never gave you, from Tarts who have been there, done that, and seen it all.
Who Is Mom?
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Dear
Mom, My Dear, It all depends on what
you're in the market for. You see, Mom has been there, done
that and seen the movie (now playing: "Lost Boys").
Let me go through the pros and cons of younger men when it comes
to: Sex: Obviously, 22-year old men are
in their sexual prime. They can make up in quantity what they
may lack in quality. The trouble is, many women of a certain
age find quantity tedious without the quality. I mean, which
would you rather have: three pigs in a poke or the Big
Bang? Despite my mixed metaphors, I feel confident you catch
my drift.... Romance: This is where younger men score
big. They aren't yet disappointed enough in love to be cynical,
are apt to gaze at you over dinner with puppy-dog eyes (instead
of scrutinizing the bill to see what you owe for your share),
bring you flowers when they're late and say just the sweetest,
goofiest things (like "Holy shit!" and "Wow!"
when you take off your clothes). Drawback: they're usually broke
and can't afford the really nice flowers. I don't know about
you, but carnations have never done much for my libido. Loyalty:
Younger men are
quite loyal once they've embraced the cachet of dating an older
woman, especially an older woman who has spent twenty years
perfecting the art of giving a blow job. Drawback: breaking up
is hard to do. For you, not him. If you get bored and dump him,
be prepared for dramatic phone calls and entreaties, If you are
easily made to feel guilty, this can be more painful than the
affair's joy merited. By the way, it is bad form to laugh at
his attempts to keep you. His pleadings may seem overwrought
to you, not to mention straight from a bad movie, but to him,
well, it's his life he's talking about. No fair smiling. Self-esteem: It's a kick to have a young
hunk wild for your body. On the other hand, how do you feel about
taking your clothes off in front of a kid who still thinks Pamela
Anderson Lee was born that way? There's always candlelight, of
course. And silk blindfolds. Music: a small, but important point.
If you do not enjoy contemporary music - and you better listen
to the radio for a few days to make sure - dating a younger man
will drive you insane, They all listen to music constantly and
consider it the #1 topic for small talk. You'll feel like Methuselah
if you're out of the loop. Night life: Face it, as you get older, the benefits of a good night's sleep in maintaining skin tone and your temper can not be overestimated. Replace this sleep time with sex and you'll still look and feel great. But replace this sleep time with night after night of sitting in some smoky bar listening to ill-rehearsed garage bands and you'll want to cut someone's throat within the week, But don't let my warnings stop you. Have fun. Give it a try. It's your life - you're the only one who can live it. Besides, if you can remember that you're likely in it for the moment only -- then, oh, what lovely moments they could be. Fondly, Dear Mom, My boyfriend is a great
catch. He's a doctor, drives a Porsche, has a fantastic body
and most of his hair. But every time we go out, he tells me yet
another story about some nurse or patient who is coming on to
him. He's got about eight women after him at this point. Do you
think he's trying to make me jealous? My Dear, No, Mom does not think
your boyfriend is trying to make you jealous. Mom thinks your
boyfriend is an insensitive asshole. I only hope, for his patients'
sakes, that he is not a proctologist. Dear Mom, My older sister is about
to marry her pool guy. I swear this is true. She has lots of
money from her first marriage and he's pretty hunky, I admit.
But every time I go out with my friends I see him with a different
woman. He's always so drunk he never notices me. Once I saw him
having sex with this total sleaze bag in the hallway outside
the bathroom in a local dive bar. He's a lot younger than my
sister and I know he is only marrying her for her money. Should
I tell her what I know? My Dear, Good god, yes. And report him to the Health Department while you're at it. There are times when your sister's love life is none of your business. Then there are times when she is about to step into a legal quagmire that could cost her half her assets and a shitload of heartbreak. By all means, tell her what you have seen and be prepared to have her accuse you of just being jealous. At that point, all you can do is try to talk her into disguising herself and accompanying you on one of your late night jaunts so she can see for herself. One more possibility: she knows about the scum bag's behavior already and ignores it. After all, where is she when he is out catting around? If this is the case, you can only beg her to get legal advice before she marries the bum. At least then she may be able to protect her money, if not her heart. And please be there for her when the inevitable break-up comes. She'll need a friend. Fondly, Dear Mom, I just wanted to comment
on the letter you received from a "Lady in Waiting".
The situation she described about being in love with her best
(male) friend for ten years and wanting to be in a romantic relationship
with him was strangely familiar to me. I quickly figured out
why. The SAME exact situation was on the hit television show
"Beverly Hills 90210" which just concluded last night.
Donna Martin (played by Tori Spelling) was in love with David
Silver (played by Brian Austin-Green) and they were best friends
for ten years. Against the advice that you gave our Lady in
Waiting, Donna told David that she was crazy for him and he expressed
his undying love for her in turn. The series ended with David
and Donna getting married. Because it was the last episode for
the show, we will not be able to see if the union lasts. However,
I think that the fact that the relationship went in a direction
different than the direction you suggested to Lady in Waiting
was something that you might find of interest. My dear, Mom can not tell you how very happy she is for Tori Spelling that the poor dear has found true love, even fictionally. Words fail me. But you misunderstood my advice if you think I was advocating that a person should always keep silent when they are in a platonic relationship and experiencing feelings of romantic love. On the contrary, I believe friendship is the very best basis for a long-term relationship between two people and I wish more good friends would tear their clothes off spontaneously and give it the old college try. After all, that's why martinis were invented. Besides, experience has taught me that you never know when an incredible sexual flame lurks beneath someone's exterior, waiting to be ignited just by you. Unfortunately, the woman who wrote me last month described a clearly dysfunctional male, one who was not capable of remaining friends with women he slept with - yet was able to sustain a deep friendship with her. This disturbed me and indicated a schism I did not believe the letter writer should touch with a ten foot pole, so to speak, if she was interested in keeping this person as a friend. Some people call this the Madonna/Whore syndrome. I call it a raw deal for women everywhere. But that is a rant that I will save for another day. Hints From Mom Cheap Hot Oil Treatments for Your Hair: If you've got dry hair, or simply want to give it some body and softness, a hot oil treatment can be just the ticket. But don't pay a buck for one of those tiny vials, especially if you have a lot of hair. It works just as well to buy the cheapest bottle of olive oil you can find, then heat 1/2 cup in the microwave for 30 seconds to one minute (use a cup if you've really got a head of hair). Test the temperature, then slather on, massage and top with a shower cap for twenty minutes of intense hot oil treatment, For extra penetration of each strand, warm the shower cap with a hair dyer set on high. Rinse well and enjoy. A Geisha Girl Technique For Special Nights: A friend who worked in Hong Kong for several years gave Mom this description of a service offered by Geisha girls to their special customers. Mom can testify that it leaves your partner, well, just this side of paradise. It's a great gift for those nights when the one you love is too stressed out to think straight:
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