March Advice From Mom...

Dear Mom,

Is there any point in continuing to loathe a man who let me down badly 6 months ago and with whom I'm no longer in contact? If not, how do I stop loathing him?

--Little Orphan Annie

My dear,

You may be surprised to learn that Mom is a firm believer in the restorative powers of hatred. In fact, she believes loathing is a long-neglected art form. So, of course you should loathe this rotten bastard -- he's an idiot who apparently passed up the chance to earn your admiration and trust and, instead, disappointed you. Deeply, it would appear. Mom recommends that you feel free to hate his guts passionately, vehemently and totally-- until you are good and sick of it. Besides, if you stop judging yourself for hating him, all the fun will go out of it anyway and you'll soon view him as the pathetic loser he is.

For Mom's Restorative Hatred Cure to work, however, you must be willing to take your loathing to a ritualistic degree. Part of the process is to get creative, to indulge your primitive self and, eventually, just get so silly that you sheepishly move on with your life. I recommend obtaining some black juju voodoo power (or, hell, tinted salt will do just as well), then taking a photograph of him and placing it in an empty kitchen sink. Carefully pour a ring of your special rejection powder around the photo, then set fire to the image of your hated one while you chant something appropriate like, "I reject you, I reject you..." -- or -- "May your penis fall off and be eaten by wolves," -- or -- "May your new wife develop venereal warts," or some other appropriate curse. Mom can not be more specific than this as, alas, you failed to include any juicy bits in your letter. For an added kick, you can also sprinkle an appropriate ingredient over the fire: stinkweed springs to mind, or perhaps saltpeter. Note, however, that Mom does not advocate your chanting for anyone's death or serious injury (penis shedding aside). Your goal is to restore the proper karmic balance, not blow him off the face of the earth. He hurt you badly, at the very least he deserves a little old black magic.

This is just one possible ceremony to cleanse him from your thoughts, of course. Mom has found that girlfriends are particularly adept at thinking up other appropriate rituals -- just ask yours. If he was a tennis player, you may want to burn his racquet in the fireplace while bouncing tennis balls off the crotch of this cad in effigy. Or, you could dissolve any boxer shorts he left behind in pure bleach while chanting for his chastity. The possibilities are endless. Just keep in mind that there is no need to eschew your more primitive roots in situations like this. Hatred can remind you that you never want to be put in a particular position again, so why not indulge it, learn from it and then move on?

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

I know this dilemma sounds incredibly stupid, and I myself look incredibly stupid for even asking the question. But here's the deal. I'm falling for this new man that works with me. He's sweet and funny and very sexy and all those other wonderful things we look for in a guy. I do my best to flirt with him-- shamelessly, I might add-- and he does flirt back. The problem, though, is this -- he's engaged, with a fiancee that's pregnant. Is it totally wrong of me to think that every man is entitled to one last passionate fling before settling down forever? I mean, the both of us are very young-- I'm 19, and he's early 20's. Too young to settle down, in my book. Is it wrong of me to be putting moves on him, and trying my damnedest to seduce him? I am by no means looking for a relationship with him. All I want is the sex-- and is that bad, as well? I'm confused... I want to go ahead and go after what I want from him, as he seems pretty receptive to my flirtations. But at the same time, I don't want to do something that will brand me as a hussy forever. Being branded a hussy for a month or two would suffice.

-- Hesitant and Frustrated

My dear,

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh dear..... As your question to me arrived via the Pony Express of the Internet world, I fear my advice will come to you too late. Therefore, let me just cut right to the chase and suggest one hundred Hail Mary's as well as 1,000 hours community service at your nearest home for unwed mothers.

You see, I have no doubt that you have violated -- or tried to violate -- one of the basic rules of the sisterhood: we do not fuck men whose mates are pregnant. What kind of world would we live in if this were karmically acceptable? Think of it: that poor fiancee is suffering from naseau, hemorrhoids, swollen feet, back pain, acid reflux, weight gain and, eventually, a pain most akin to being kicked in the stomach by a donkey wearing red-hot horseshoes.... while the man who put her in this condition is suffering from nothing more than a little case of blue balls. Forgive Mom for rolling her eyes. She can not condone encouraging this man to stray as it might alleviate his minor suffering. In fact, if she could, Mom would advocate nine months of torture for him as well as every man who got a woman pregnant. What nature has failed to equalize, woman must cast asunder.

Of course, we can not torture our men, at least not for anything other than recreational purposes. But we can respect our sisters who are undergoing the worst form of accepted bondage in our society. For godsakes, give that poor woman a break and leave her man alone.

Besides, were this man to take you up on your offer, Mom would find it difficult to agree that he is "sweet and funny and very sexy and all those other wonderful things we look for in a guy." Mom would have to brand him a dog.

Go find yourself a 22-year old Xerox repairman and work out those urges instead. Then, when you become pregnant yourself one day, your karma will be intact (even if the rest of you isn't).

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

I have come to the conclusion that I am a freak. I am a 28-year old woman, I've probably had sex with a dozen guys since I was 16 -- and I have never had an orgasm during intercourse. Not once. So what the hell is wrong with me and how can I fix it? I am missing out on all the fun.

- Short-sheeted Again

My dear,

It is a myth that women attain orgasm through plain old intercourse. Anyone who claims she has is lying. The crucial spot for triggering orgasm is located several inches above the entry point for intercourse, and unless you happen to be dating a man who has developed a handily-shaped goiter that angles up and over his penis you are going to be out of luck. Mom recommends that you take matters into your own hands, and don't be shy about it. And forget asking the guy to do this, okay? They won't be able to find the right spot or maintain the proper rhythm while also doing their thing. Take it from me: sisters are doing it for themselves. Other strategies include prolonging manual foreplay or oral sex until just before the moment of orgasm, then quickly switching to intercourse. You may get lucky and achieve your goal without any other stimulation, although Mom suspects a flick of the switch or two may be needed.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am off to take a cold shower. With a Shower Massage, of course.

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

I met what I thought was an incredibly sensitive, charming, pretty hot guy-- which is a miracle as I live in a small town and we are both in our 40's. I know I've got a good thing going because every time we go out, some woman hits on him and he's really good about turning them down. He does have two ex-wives and goes off like a rocket any time they are mentioned,. But when we had our first fight last week, he turned really nasty. He asked my opinion on something, didn't agree with me, and it went downhill from there. He won't apologize, says there's no need to, and has accused me of acting just like his ex-wives. I'm starting to get a little worried here. Now he says we need more boundaries in our relationship and he's going to let me know what they are. Should I get out now?

- Worried Near Wichita

My dear,

Normally, Mom would say "Run for the hills". Not being able to tolerate disagreement and trying to control the smallest facets in a relationship -- such as the nebulous and highly subjective issue of what constitutes "boundaries" -- is the sign of a control freak. It's a short hop from there to verbal abuse -- admit it, you've already gotten to that point, now haven't you? -- and an even shorter hop to wife-beating after that. But I am going to be more practical than that:

If it were Mom, and she was already deep in the relationship, she'd have a heart-to-heart with the ex-wives. And so should you, if you are serious about this man. You probably won't be surprised at what you hear. And you probably won't like it, either. if both women tell you similar stories, I'd take the appropriate action, such as dumping him posthaste. He may be a closet creep interested only in maintaining a charming profile for the public.

On the other hand, let's be realistic: you are in your 40's and I take it that there aren't many living, breathing, walking, talking straight men to choose from in your town? You have a good escort, presumably the two of you have fun when you agree, and let's say the relationship is in the early stages..... maybe it's best to take the high road here and not throw him out with the bath water. Just don't get in any further for the time being so you can buy time to evaluate his true nature. This means: don't sleep with him if you can avoid it, go out together and enjoy his companionship (as well as the drooling of other single women) but let him know that you have boundaries, too. As a matter of fact, let him know you have big fucking boundaries with border guards stationed at strategic checkpoints, and so you want to take it slow. Very slow. Do not explain. Do not point to your recent argument as why you are being cautious. Just move very carefully and let your actions speak louder than words. And for god sakes, start hanging out in a different town, so you can meet someone else quickly!

Remember this, for Mom has decreed it to be true: people will treat you as you expect them to treat you. Up your standards today.

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

I just love your approach to life and thought you might be able to help me since you are getting on in the years department as well. My husband has always been a real hunk, but now that we are on our late 50's, he's starting to put on weight and it really bothers me, especially when we have sex. What can I do to motivate him to keep the weight off?

- Turning Over a New Leaf

My dear,

Mom is speechless that you would imply she is an Old Fart in one breath and then sweetly ask for advice with the next. Nonetheless I will answer your question: leave the poor guy alone. He's almost sixty, for chrissakes, let him live a little. Unless the weight gain becomes so extreme it interferes with his health, he deserves to put on some weight. Why don't you loosen up and join him? Have a cheeseburger. Indulge in a Twinkie. Life's too short and neither one of you have that many years left, anyway, by my calculations -- so you may as well live a little.

There: does that make you feel better?

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

Don't get me wrong. I am happy to give my boyfriend blow jobs, not that he gives back as good as he gets but, he's a guy after all, and so I feel lucky to even get a little oral sex once in awhile. The trouble is that a blow job is not enough for him. He wants me to swallow it. He says when I take it out of my mouth at the last minute, I am ruining the whole thing for him. I'd like to try, but the very thought of swallowing that stuff makes me gag. Any hints?

- Willing But Unable

My dear,

In civilized nations, it is considered bad form to complain about being given a blow job under any circumstances. As I understand it, your boyfriend has no quibble with your technique or timing, he just wants you to do something you don't want to do. Well: Mom doesn't believe in sexual acts that are not consenual.

Nonetheless, should you wish to please him, you might try this: have a glass of Baily's Irish Cream over ice ready at your side. When the moment of truth comes, angle the top of his penis as far back in your throat as possible -- your goal is to overshoot the taste buds -- then try to think of anything else in the world except sex and what you are doing, unless of course you are thinking of Keanu Reeves or Ed Harris or someone a little more grateful than your boyfriend. Swallow quickly without holding the sperm in your mouth, then immediately swill down some Baily's to clear the taste before it has a chance to settle. That may work.

Personally, however, Mom would surreptitiously spit the spunk into the glass of Baily's, then sweetly offer that whiny excuse of a boyfriend a sip.

Fondly,

Mom

Spring Hints from Mom:

Banish those spots, lines and bags posthaste: Spring Fever is in the air!

Spot Remover: Reduce blemishes by applying fresh aloe vera extract or Visine to pimples. The Visine is a temporary effect caused by shrinking in the capillaries. It lasts up to five hours.

Botox Injections: Banish crow's feet and frown lines with injections of what is essentially a harmless but paralyzing poison injected into key spots by a plastic surgeon or dermatologist. An injection lasts from four to six months, takes about half an hour and will cost you around $500 in most cities. Is it worth? Your call.

Hair Raising: Add a package of unflavored gelation to 1/3 to 1/2 cup shampoo to add volume to your hair. Add vodka to your shampoo to give your hair highlights..

Puffy Eye Treatment: Soak a metal spoon in ice water, then place it over your eye for at least 30 seconds to shrink puffiness and bags.

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