Let all Tarts rejoice!

It's that time of year. No, we don't mean Xmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa or whatever bizarre neo-pagan ritual you observe in your house to mark the winter solstice. We speak, of course, of the release of Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.

There will be much talk, we feel safe in predicting, of its artistic and commercial merits, whether it's bigger, better, more magical than Harry Potter, how much is grosses in the opening weekend in Moose Jaw, Iowa. How many Oscars will it get. However none of that need concern us here. What we Tarts feel has been lacking in the overall critical appreciation of the series so far, is a scientific analysis of the sex appeal of its major stars. So we asked the Gallup poll people ….

Oh, alright we didn't. That last part was a lie. We did it ourselves. Isn't this what Tarts do best?

Frodo:

Katy: He is luminous -- and one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever seen. Just touching him seems sacrilegious, however. I'm too Catholic to ever go there. On the other hand... those eyes. Looking in to yours? I'm gonna start my twenty Hail Mary's now.

Lauren: I don't like girly-looking boys, I don't like them small and fragile... but Elijah Wood tugs not only my heartstrings but more reproductive parts of my anatomy. Those big blue eyes! That milky skin! That vulnerability! Do I fancy him because I want to cheer him up? Am I a pervert -- is this like child abuse? I feel guilty but would definitely do him anyway.

Stella: My wife fancies him. (And Toby Maguire - I find them interchangeable like Gwyneth & Cate.) (Shelley speaks for herself: Elijah Wood has all the cuteness of a new born babe coupled with the effervescence of a pubescent teenager. He makes you want to look after him, with that huge smile and hair you could get all tangled up in. Quick, pass me a comb.)

Chris: Cute face, yes. But hard to get past the ears and the HAIRY feet, not to mention the lack of height, a major turnoff.

Legolas:

Katy: Good god, but this man does it for me. I've never seen a bottle of blond hair dye transform anyone more. Just the way he whips out his arrows and sends them flying makes me want to believe in elves.... male, blond, insatiable elves. And I think we all need to send up a prayer of thanks to the casting director who discovered him.

Lauren: Unbelievably good-looking, moves like a cat, lovely long hair and nifty with his arrows - what's not to like? My number one pick.

Stella - this boy is not a boy, he's a fairy. an elf. he's a girl. so why do the straight girls fancy him? and why don't I??? (because no matter what your sexuality you should never NEVER go out with a boy prettier than you -- even I know that!!!) besides that he is named after toy building blocks. come on!

Chris: Don't like blondies and don't like long hair, so what was it about this guy, sorry, elf? Perhaps he reminded me of my first boyfriend, (in the years before I'd made up the blond rule) exquisite, ethereal and quite, quite lovely to stare at for hours on end. Probably likes long walks in enchanted forests.

Aragorn:

Katy: If God were just, he'd send me Aragorn for a little swordplay (sans blades). I have never seen anyone look more attractive beneath a surface layer of grime. If not for the fact that I'd keep expecting Lauren to burst through the bedroom door demanding to know what I am doing with her ex-boyfriend, he'd be my favorite. But, this time, he's gonna have to take second place to Legolas (who seems to have caught on to bathing in rivers a bit more than Aragorn).

Lauren: his character is very much like my ex-boyfriend, in fact me and his younger brother used to call him Aragorn (which he loved, though he pretended he didn't care one way or the other). That whole strong silent thing. He also looks not at all unlike my ex, long hair and all. So it's a bit of a sensitive area for me. Still, I would definitely do Viggo, but not as Aragorn - he needs a good wash. I don't mind a bit of dirt, but is he ever, ever clean? He needs to borrow some of Legolas's shampoo (which I assume is Timotei).

Stella: Lots of big men with armour: yawn.

Chris: What? Did they not have power showers in pre-history? How come the girlies looked so clean and the boys looked like they've been dossing with their favourite barnyard animals? Despite grime can definitely see why others think he's sexy, but wouldn't drop my popcorn for him.

Arwen:

Katy: I'm sorry. She's a beautiful woman, and seems very sweet.... but someone forgot to turn the porch light on here. I don't do stupid. I'm going to have to pass on the Eveningstar.

Lauren: yeah, I would happily shag Liv Tyler. She looks like she'd be very good at it, doesn't she?

Stella: um, couldn't it have been her Dad?

Chris: Would have stuck with the immortal gig, babe. Not much left after that beauty fades.

Merry and Pippin:

Katy: These two are truly a pair of smutty little fellows. They remind me of horny Smurfs minus the blue. I'm thinking they could be a whole lot of fun together.... I'm thinking hot tub.... I'm thinking margaritas and snorkeling masks.... I'm thinking a little edible body oil... Oh, hell: I'm thinking they'd probably be way too into each other to even notice me.

Lauren: bet they'd be really filthy little beasts in the sack (and I don't mean that in an Aragorn-covered-in-mud way).

Stella: Lots of little men with hairy feet: well yes.

Galadriel:

Katy: I keep imagining her in that scene where she turns all silver and black and powerful and scary and thinking, "Hmmm.. now that's what an orgasm should look like." She can float into my bedroom anytime she likes.

Lauren: Cate Blanchett is much too scary and bony for me to imagine having sex with her.

Stella: Is she Gwyneth Paltrow or the other one? I mean I know she's supposedly the better actorina but what is it about these pale blonde tall waif like girls that make men happy? Don't get it myself!

Boromir:

Katy: He looks mean. But in a good way. After three pints of Harp, I'd do him.

Lauren: I usually wet my pants, as Stephanie Plum would say, for Sean Bean -- and he's always looked good filthy and greasy before. What are these costume designers thinking of?? Why would you cast Sean Bean and make him look UGLY? why? why?

Chris: Sean Bean. I just can't help it. Maybe it was all those TV mini series that required him to ponce about in tight breeches and knee boots and leap energetically off and on horses. Technically blond, I suppose, but maybe no-blondes is a stupid rule after all. Yeah, I'm definitely going to revise it.

Sam:

Katy: Could this guy be any more sincere -- or dull? His Frodo obsession is troubling. The thought of having him chase me around, calling my name -- like he does the entire friggin' movie with Frodo -- is just not appealing. Plus, I think there's a dwarf in that Hobbit's woodpile somewhere. He needs to lay off the pints of ale.

Lauren: Sorry, no. Never. Not at all. Ever. No.

Chris: Shagging potential severely limited -- see previous Frodo remarks about height, hair and feet. Definitely fun for a night out at a pub, though. Bet he knows lots of dirty jokes.

Gimli (the dwarf):

Katy: Didn't I see him at a Shamus Awards dinner? Okay, he's pretty hideous in costume. But out of costume, I think John Rhys-Davies is pretty damn attractive. And, believe it or not, he's over six feet tall. I'd do him if he could ditch the fake nose and greasy beard. And give me a really nicely-jeweled gold breastplate afterward.

Lauren: No way. I don't care how big his axe is.

Elrond:

Katy: I liked him better in drag. Bring back "Priscilla."

Lauren: Dear God, no. I never shagged boys like that in Goth clubs and I certainly have no intention of starting now.

Chris: Perhaps you have to be Antipodean to get Hugo Weaving. Am I the only one who sees this? Cheekbones sharp enough to open letters, no -bullshit stare. Not to mention his lovely, sinister, gravelly voice. He can talk me into it, any time.

Gandalf:

Katy: Once he loses the goofy hat, I find him extremely sexy in a strange way. I imagine he must have lots of tricks up those big ole sleeves of his. Just think: all that power focused on moi. I would definitely do him. Of course, he'd have to turn me into a guy first.

Chris: Sir Ian, even if I looked like the love child of Helen of Troy and Elizabeth Taylor you wouldn't cast a glance my way. Ahh, but a tart can dream, can't she?

Saruman:

Katy: No offense to Christopher Lee, but I'd be afraid to even look under this guy's robes. Whatever is lurking there has got to be all gnarled and nasty. He can just keep his staff to himself.

Lauren: A Saruman and Gandalf threesome: why did I even THINK of that?