. . . Never gave you, from Tarts who have been there, done that, and seen it all.
Who Is Mom?
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Dear Mom, I'm currently in deep
agony. Very, very deep indeed. Reason? My long term boyfriend,
whom I love dearly and passionately, a boyfriend who has declared
his undying love to me several times, and who until recently
proved to be perfectly sane. One day, not so very long ago, he
turned around and announced that he's leaving me for a one-man
pilgrimage to France to grow herbs. Herbs! No engraved invitation
card for me, oh no. Because Boyfriend got this weird feeling
in his left pinky toe that tells him he have to do this alone.
Very, very grateful, Dear DDD, Fist of all, Mom begs your thousand pardons for not answering you sooner and leaving you on the hook for weeks without an answer. Please forgive me - and I hope my advice comes in time to be of some help. Secondly, what kind of herbs exactly does the King of Bastards plan to grow? Because Mom is always willing to accept packages of a certain persuasion. All that aside, it's time for some serious girl talk. Clearly, you are hurting because you believe that his going off to France is a rejection of you when, in fact, the very opposite could be true. Let me explain: most men are very different than most women when it comes to relationships, commitment and how they choose to deal with either. Women prove their love by wanting to get closer and closer. But men frequently convince themselves they are willingly giving their love (and not being trapped by some man-hungry vixen) by hightailing it out of the vicinity and struggling with god knows what in their minds until they are damn good and ready to come back and jump in with both feet. In other words, while it is possible your boyfriend is generally unhappy with the lot he has chosen in life (occupation? school? town?) and is seeking a drastic way to blast himself out of a rut, it is also highly likely that this trip to France is a compliment to you, an acknowledgement on some level that he is struggling with whether to not to go to a more permanent level of commitment with you. He just needs time and space away from you to figure this out. He may not even realize this on a conscious level, understand, but since you are the woman in the relationship -- and thus possessed of superior emotional and mental faculties -- it is up to you to show understanding here, even if it seems the King of Bastards does not quite deserve such a high level of compassion. As hard as it is to accept, you not only have to let him go, you need to let him go with your blessing. Even if it kills you, support him. Tell him how happy you are that he is able to pursue this dream. Resist the urge to pull out demographic charts showing how 93% of all herb farmers fail in the first year and how the other 7% die of parsley overdoses. Assure him that you want him to be who he wants to be. And -- most important of all -- lie through your fucking teeth and let him know how thrilled you are that you will have some time and space to yourself for awhile as well. Yes, it's playing a game. But it works. Mom also suspects you are fantasizing about sexy French women seducing your boyfriend over a patch of feathery dill. Let me assure you on this front: fantasies about French women are far superior to the reality of French women. I wouldn't worry on that score. Besides, do you really think, after experiencing a lifetime of French men, French women would even tolerate his American avoidance of foreplay? In fact, I wouldn't even go there, either emotionally or physically -- leave him to his life in France, send him cheery letters, let him call you, tune up the email correspondence and be maddeningly vague about your life while he is away. Most of all, take this time apart and use it to your advantage. Get up every day and say to yourself, "This is my life and I plan to spend every day, every minute, every second of it well." Then go out there and meet new people and do new things while he is gone. Just because he is the one who declared he needed to go off exploring, doesn't mean you can't be the one who, in the end, discovers the most about yourself. In other words, take this time to do all the stuff you like to do... but maybe put on the back burner because it didn't float his boat? Make a list now and be honest about it, then get those activities back into your life. Open the paper before every weekend and choose an event you have never done before... then do it. Go to a reading. Attend an outdoor concert. Visit or call old friends who got dumped when you entered the Land of Two. Hire a personal trainer so you look drop dead incredible next time he sees you. Paint your living room whatever color you want, regardless of what he wanted. Indulge yourself and treat yourself as if you were your own lover. Finally, if you want to keep a symbolic connection to him: take a class in herb farming, or visit an herb farm, and stock up on that knowledge. Bonus benefit: you can figure out if he is lying to you when he writes and phones by asking him key questions about herbs (hey, look, so Mom is a little "I'm okay, you're okay" at times... she is also a realist!). Just get out there, meet new people and, yes, yes, yes: when you meet new men, fight the urge to immediately pigeonhole them as buddies only. This is your time to let those tendrils of sexual attraction and possibilities out there again, let them grow ever so slightly and test yourself to see just how much you really miss the King of Bastards vs. how much you are conditioned to miss him. The answer may surprise you -- and help ground you while he is gone. And remember this: there are over three billion women in the world, but there is only one you. Go out there and take the time to get to know the current version of you. If your boyfriend is smart, he'll realize what he is missing and come home. If he's not, then he didn't deserve you in the first place. Good luck. You can do it. Fondly, Mom Dear Mom, I have been married 29 years, but have not had sex for the past 14 years. At all. With nobody (except myself). There is a good reason for this, which may be a subject for another letter. However, suddenly at the age of 52, I find myself in heat. I am relatively attractive, animated, have always gotten a good bit of attention from men (and women) because I flirt and talk well, but rarely actually get propositioned. I don't know how much of that is due to my "not interested" aura, or because I'm not as attractive as I would like to think. People do seek me out to be around, so I don't know. I'm aware that many people see themselves differently than others do. Several months ago, I casually touched a man at work, and felt big old sparks go straight to my crotch and had trouble breathing. I was taken completely by surprise, since nothing even remotely similar has happened to me in 25 years or so. He is 35, unmarried, not gay (he says...I asked!), and he likes me. We have met for lunch, etc., several times. He touches me, hugs me, presses his thigh against mine when we sit next to each other, and calls me often. We'll talk for hours. But no sex, despite heavy hinting on my part. He does not have a regular girlfriend that I can determine... if he does, he doesn't see her often. What do you think is up? And what can I do to get in bed with him? That's all I want...no big divorce, no life changing upheavals in either life. Advice appreciated. Sensing Sparks Down South Dear Sparky, First, Mom would like to congratulate you on your reawakening. Fourteen years is a long time to live without the sexual side of yourself -- and far too many women in our culture sacrifice themselves entirely in that regard. I am behind you 100% in wanting to explore sex again, and I frankly don't care how you go about it. A 35-year old co-worker as a discreet playmate sounds absolutely fabulous to me. Now, you asked me what I thought was going on.... which I take to mean why you two are so close, but he has yet to make a move? I will give you some possible scenarios, then suggest a few courses of action. First of all, despite his protests, an unmarried 35-year old man is usually in that state for a reason. You did not mention that he was the office horn dog, so I assume it's not because he is too busy playing the field to settle down. So, one big reason is that, despite what he told you, he is indeed gay -- in either thought or actual lifestyle -- and feels the need to hide it, for professional or personal reasons. Gay men can be attracted to women, and frequently are, so you may well be feeling vibes from him despite this possibility. Or, he could be largely asexual - which some people truly are - ether due to a low sex drive, rotten sex in the past, or the fact that sex has caused a lot of problems in his past relationships and he finds it not worth the hassle. Given that what you primarily want from him is sex, neither one of these scenarios is what you are looking for. Therefore, if future interactions with him lead you to believe either one of these causes might be the case after all, I suggest you stop and figure out what it is about him you find so attractive, then get out there to some singles bars and/or do some discreet advertising and consciously seek out more men of his ilk. On the other hand, this man may simply be shy or tentative when it comes to relationships - even the most successful professional men have their Achilles heels. Or he could be sleeping with someone else in the office, and reluctant to admit it. Finally, I am sorry to say, he may find your age to be a barrier. By this, I don't mean he is not attracted to you. Given that you have admitted you may be a little slow on the uptake when it comes to discerning whether people are coming on to you or not, I tend to think you probably are getting something back from this man, something strong enough to penetrate your rustiness, shall we say, in the ancient rituals of mating. But he could well be extremely attracted to you and still feel a little odd about coming on to a woman who is 17 years older than him. This oddness will disappear, believe me, the first time you jump his bones and ravish him. How to get there is the question... I think you only have one choice and it's a risky one. Why is it risky? If he is the kind of man who must always drive the car, and many men are, your boldness will turn him off and you'll have to find someone else. But at this point in the game, it seems to Mom that you are just going to have to pick the right moment and say to him, "Look, I am incredibly and wildly attracted to you. I want us to have a passionate affair, no strings attached. I have no intention of leaving my marriage, but I am driven to be with you. Want to give it a shot?" He'll say no, or he'll say "let me think about it" or he'll say yes. In any case, you'll be able to move on and, hopefully, forward. If he says yes, it may seem artificial and cold at first to disrobe in front of each other after such a bald proposition but, believe me, in about one minute, that feeling will pass. I can not tell you how much I hope that he takes you up on your offer. I want to hear the sound of clothes being ripped from bodies and the moans of a woman making up for fourteen years of no physical contact. For that reason, if this man does not work out, or turns you down, I hope you will find a way to look at him with gratitude nonetheless: after all, he awakened something deep within you that needed to be prodded back to life. Then go out there and find someone else, man or woman (you did mention women are attracted to you, so it's not a foreign idea...) and get some of that human touch. Life is too short to waste the miracle of sexual communication. Good luck. Fondly, Mom Dear Mom, I don't see what is wrong with jumping on the bones of a guy who has been a platonic friend. What do you have against it? Someone dump you or something? Wised Up in Wisconsin My dear, I have been dumped more times than Tommy Lee. That's not the point. We all get dumped, we all crawl out from underneath, we all live to love again. But clearly I still am not communicating my point re sex between platonic friends to all you horny friend-obsessed readers out there. Let me try one more time.... most men tend to see women in one of two ways: 1) as a friend, to whom they confide their thoughts, their dreams, their insecurities; or, 2) as potential romantic partners, to whom they present only their strongest facades. Subconsciously, they hesitate to upgrade platonic friends women to First Class because, well, because their female friends already know their weaknesses and this makes men feel too vulnerable. (Of course, it may be that men are just idiots, but as Mom enjoys the company of men -- preferably a steady stream of them -- she likes to ascribe deeper psychological motives to this insane habit of theirs.) The worst part of the deal is that men often make the decision as to what category you fall into within a minute of meeting you. Is this fair? No. But we are talking about men here. Women, on the other hand, know that there is no better basis for a long-term relationship than a friendship first. They understand that it is possible to spend years hanging out with a guy, with seemingly no spark between you, and then one day end up in bed together with an incredible, powerful wave of heat pulling both of you under into the happy world of undersea fun... oops, make that undercover fun. Unless you happen to be at the beach where, hopefully, it is both. My point is that, theoretically, the idea of springing sex on a platonic friend is a good one. But the results will vary. Be prepared for a freak-out. And be prepared to possibly lose the friendship that was between you, because once you move into the realm of romantic partner, a whole new set of rules applies. For example, lots of luck feeling comfortable wearing your ratty tee shirt and jumbo-sized gym shorts next time you hang out belching into your beers together at the ball game.... Now, will you people please leave Mom alone and go back to jumping each other's platonic bones? Thank you. Fondly, Mom Dear Mom, What do you think of long-distance relationships? I am finding myself increasingly attracted to a woman who lives over 500 miles away from me. I have gone out with a couple women where I live, and they're okay, some are even pretty great. But none of them is as smart and funny as this woman, and I can't get her out of my mind. But I don't want to waste her time if the distance thing is a big barrier, and I suspect that this is going to be a problem for her. Wondering in Winnipeg My dear, When one lives in Winnipeg, one does not have a whole lot of choice about long-distance relationships, now does one? Besides, why the hell do you think the airplane, train and car were invented? Not to mention phone sex, the Internet and... oh, face it, who the hell are we kidding? Half of the fun in a romance comes from the longing, from being apart, from missing the other person. What better way to milk that lovely feeling than in a long-distance relationship? Plus you don't have to worry about her panties drying on your shower rod when she is 750 miles away. Most of all, though, Mom cautions you not to make up this woman's mind for her. Let her decide if she wants to get entangled with someone far away. You're assuming she is after a daily, committed relationship. But who's to say she doesn't want a little space herself, and might not welcome the distance, rather than bemoaning it? For god sakes, invite her for a visit, make it clear what you want from her and go from there. Fondly, Mom Hints From Mom Mom does not want to make it sound as if we are all hideously disfigured, afflicted and/or contagious BUT... this month, she has compiled some nifty home cures for typical summer ailments and feels the need to share them. Get out those shopping lists, ladies, because.... Both yogurt and acidophilus help cure mild yeast infections. Prepare a douche of diluted plain yogurt and go to town (and, no, it does not work to stick a Tuscan Yogurt Pop up your wazoo. Honestly, ladies, come up with a better excuse to play with hard objects than that). Or, you can dissolve a capsule of acidophilus (common at health food stores) into water and douche with that concoction instead. Both approaches are good for vaginal imbalances caused by antibiotic treatments. Juice from a sour apple can cure warts and corns. It's true. The magnesia in the salts contained in sour apples seems to do the trick. First you have to cut open the wart, then rub the sour apple over it. (Not that any of you have warts of any kind, anywhere, of course.) Fresh pineapple rubbed over a pared wart or corn also works well, as the enzymes in pineapple will wear down the hard tissue. Mouth infections can be cured by steeping peach pits in hot water to make a tea. Rinse your mouth and hold the tea in it for at least 30 seconds. Spit out and repeat. Try this procedure three times a day until cured. Sweet basil reduces nausea. Crush the leaves between your fingers and chew on them raw (the leaves, not your fingers). Or steep in water to make a soothing tea (again, the leaves, not your fingers).
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