January/February Advice From Mom...

Dear Mom,

Where have you been? I missed you!

--Little Orphan Annie

My dear,

Mom would like to report that she has been lounging on the beaches of Rio being oiled by multi-lingual (and lingually-talented) cabana boys, but the truth is that I simply dropped out of life for a few months. At my age, one can only take so much excitement. I simply had to put on the brakes, retreat, recharge my batteries -- especially the ones that power my vibrator -- and take some time to reflect on the future. I heartily recommend it to any of you past forty who have not yet tried a life sabbatical (not that Mom is necessarily past forty, mind you). When you're relaxed and without responsibilities, all sorts of strange and unexpected ideas pop up just when you least expect them the most. For example, Mom is taking up woodworking.

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

What would you think about a girl who dumps her boyfriend on New Year's Eve??!!! It happened to me. She called me up at 6:00 PM on New Year's Eve and cancelled. I had to ring in the New Year in some dive bar on 17th Street with a guy named Dave who's been in rehab thirteen times and a smelly old drunk named Ollie.

- Burned in Bayside

My dear,

Don't tell me Ollie is still alive and kicking? That man has stamina.... nevertheless, as to your question: I think your ex-girlfriend had her eye on someone new for some time and was hoping he would ask her out for New Year's Eve. Either he did -- at the last minute -- and she leapt at the chance with the alacrity of a rabbit in heat, or he did not -- and she was so pissed off she took it out on you. Either way, she's an idiot and you're better off without her. What she did was a gross violation of the rites of dating conduct perfected by civilized humans over the past throusand years. one does not dump a date at the last minute on New Year's Eve for any reason, except possibly a schizophrenic attack.

By the way, was Dave single?

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

I thought I found the perfect man: incredibly good-looking, long brown hair, beautiful face, a talented graphic designer. We dated for about six months off and on and I knew he had other girlfriends, but I did not expect him to be monogamous as I am not exactly Miss America. But all of a sudden he got serious with me a month ago. I couldn't believe it when he said he wanted to live together. He moved his stuff into my apartment a few weeks ago. But living with him is a lot different from dating him. He disappears at weird times, failed to tell me he got fired from his job about six weeks ago and a few nights ago, got a pretty scary phone message from a guy who claims he owes him money. This morning, I found money missing from my purse and some of my jewelry is gone, including an antique necklace that belonged to my grandmother. I want to give him a chance to explain, but I also feel like a complete idiot and do not know what to say to him.

-- Too Trusting, NYC

My dear,

Do not say anything to him. It will do you no good. Mom regrets to inform you that you let a drug addict in need of a new place to crash move into your home. The next time he wanders off at a weird time, call up your brother, a friend, three friends -- however many people it takes to make you feel safe -- and have them come over at once. Then call up a locksmith and have the locks changed immediately. Pack his things into boxes and put the boxes in the hallway. When he wanders back home, tell him he's on his own. Have a friend tell him this if you are too afraid to do so. Then lock the door and stay behind it until he leaves. If he does not leave, and you are on the scene, go stay with a friend until the building's superintendant or neighbors see that he is removed from the hallway. Once you can go back to your place, do not answer the phone when he calls. Change your phone number if you have to. Do not engage in discussions about your relationship with him. You have no relationship. Believe me when I say he is only capable of having a relationship with himself at this point. Your objective is to get him out of your life as soon as possible. My guess is that he will not give you much trouble -- he will move on to another mark and mooch off her. Remember that this man has chosen to walk down a path only he can find a way back from. You can not help him. And keep in mind that he can only hurt you.

In the future, Mom urges you to be more careful about who you share your life and home with. Living with someone is a big step. Take it cautiously and, for god sakes, look beyond a pretty face. They often mask the most barren of hearts. Nonetheless, waste no time beating yourself up about this, please. You were generous and loving, even if he did take advantage of it. By taking care of yourself in this situation, you will have proved to yourself that you are intelligent as well. Those are three fabulous attributes in a person. Good luck.

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

Got any good New Year's Resolutions for a 42-year old female who's made a career of dating losers and procrastinators and can't seem to find a good man?

- Turning Over a New Leaf

My dear,

Mom pondered this very thing while on sabbatical: Yes, Mom has made a few resolutions for her own life and these may help you in yours. Even if they do not help you find a mate, you are sure to be a happier, stronger person if you follow them:

Mom's Dating & Life Resolutions for 2001

1. I will not let worries about my body stop me from taking off my clothes in front of someone I find attractive. Nor will I apologize for anything revealed as a result.

2. When a date goes badly, I will remember ONLY the nice things said and toss out the rest.

3. I will not waste more than a week of my life on getting to know someone on-line before meeting them in person and seeing if the chemistry is there. If they live across the country, I may give them a month or two to get their asses to my town for a visit.

4. I will not make any life-altering decisions in the throes of sexual desire. I will postpone all major decisions until post-orgasm when I can think more clearly.

5. I will make more eye contact with people I find sexually attractive this year. Hold that gaze, baby.

6. I will never wait by the phone for anyone, and if I feel a bout of waiting coming on, I will quickly choose an activity and force myself to do it.

7. I will not answer the phone -- portable or otherwise -- when I am with someone who has graced me with their actual physical presence.

8. When I meet someone I am attracted to, I will approach them and be direct: "You're a very attractive man. Who are you?" And I will not take any rejections personally, reminding myself that they don't know me, so how can it be personal?

9. I will not be in a hurry to sign, seal and deliver any relationship. Instead, I will enjoy every moment of the way, no matter how fast or slow things may develop.

10. Although I will be fearless in approaching and starting a relationship, I will respect the other person's boundaries and let them drive the pace for a change.

11. I will not commit to any one person until well into a relationship, and will keep my eyes open in the meantime.

12. Until I find a relationship I like with a person who can give as well as take, I will devote all of the energy and money I spent previously chasing others on myself.

13. I will not let anyone else -- not friends, not family, not even Mom -- define what constitutes the right kind of relationship for me. I will respect my own needs and capabilities, determine what level of intimacy works for me, then go out there and find it (if that's what I want).

14. If I run into someone who is terrible in bed, I will tell them so and suggest they bone up on their technique as there is no excuse for being a poor lover. And I will not volunteer to help them practice.

15. I will force myself to attend functions solo when I can't find a suitable escort, and I will look for others brave enough to have done the same when I get there.

16. I will give a lover three strikes in the disappointment department, making it clear to them when they have let me down and why. After the third strike, I will remove that person from my dating life. No more chances.

17. I will recognize that life is not a spectator sport: I will get out of my house and apartment more, scheduling activities or volunteer work if I need to do so in order to force myself to act.

18. I will take a walk every day -- and check out everyone I meet along the way.

19. I will tell the truth in every way, on every level, so that I can be assured of ending up with a person who knows and loves me, not the person I pretend to be.

20. I will not fake orgasms in order to make my partner feel more manly.

Fondly,

Mom

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