. . . Never gave you, from Tarts who have been there, done that, and seen it all.
Who Is Mom?
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Dear Mom, What do you think of a woman who wants to bake her own wedding cake? - Marrying Her In The Midwest My dear, That would depend entirely on what she plans to put in the cake. If it is strychnine, you are in trouble. Best to call your insurance man and see if there have been any recent upgrades in your policy. If she simply wants to make a statement of love by feeding you, her new husband, and all of your guests with the fruits of her labor, I think it's wonderful. So long as she takes it easy on the almond flavoring. A little goes a long way. On the other hand, if she spends the entire week before the wedding feverishly creating a 4-story cake that is decorated with icing that matches her dress and has cascading, color-coordinated flowers she has grown herself plus an animated wedding creche atop this display, well... I think maybe you better move to Connecticut quick and marry Martha Stewart lest you find yourself stuck with an anal-retentive, domestic perfectionist for a wife. Fondly, Dear Mom, What do you think of a man who smashes the wedding cake in his new wife's face while everyone is taking photos of them? - Humiliated and On
Her Honeymoon Mom thinks he is an utter and complete asshole. File for annulment immediately. (You didn't bake this cake yourself, by any chance, did you?) Fondly, Dear Mom, Do you think there is someone in this world for everyone -- a soul mate, as it were? - Lady-in-Waiting My dear, Before she answers, Mom must first put down her margarita and doob-- ooops, I mean cigarette. Let me get in the mood here and perhaps channel a deeper version of Mom, one more able to deal with this oh-so-philosophical of questions: OOOOOM, OOOOOM, OOOOOM. Ah, much better. In answer to your question, yes, Mom does believe that somewhere out there in this wide, wide world there walks a soul mate for everyone: the perfect match, the better half, the one who completes you and only you. But Mom is a realist. She is particularly a realist when it comes to human behavior. Just because your soul mate is out there does not mean you will ever find him. Or recognize him for what he is. Or not fuck it up right off the bat, thus sending him wandering once again. One of the lessons I have learned in life is that you never know at what point the person you are with will prove themselves to be your soul mate. Some people know instantly, within fifteen minutes of conversation about books, past places lived, dreams and laughter. Others discover their soul mate in the midst of shared crisis, years after they had taken them for granted. The moral: do not look for soul mate perfection in another; look for it within yourself. Treat every partner as if he were your soul mate. You never know when he may rise to the occasion. And if you end up spending a lifetime of bliss with someone who was not technically your other half, well, hell, there's worse ways to spend a lifetime. Fondly, Dear Mom, I am in love with a man who lives in California. We write and talk a lot. We visit each other every few months. But more contact than that is not possible right now because of our schedules and the distance involved. We have talked about a possible future one day, but agreed not to be in a hurry. For now, we are very good friends, though I would not mind it being more. Meanwhile, he is dating a woman where he lives. He says it is not serious, but she is a very nice person and they have fun together. He swears his feelings for me run deeper, but this is just not the right time. I can't stand that he is seeing her. What should I do? I am saving myself for him. Why can't he do the same? - Chaste in Chattanooga My dear, This is life, not Catholic School. You do not get extra credit for chastity. You should get your ass out your front door and meet some men of your own, so that you too may begin casually dating a someone, or, preferably someones. Of course you hate that he's dating another woman. He's out there having fun -- while you're sitting at home alone thinking about him being out there having fun. Stop torturing yourself. And, yes, I am going to actually say it: get a life. He has a right to date casually. So do you. Take advantage of it. I think you should keep the doors open with this man -- he seems honest and upfront. And do continue to enjoy his company when you see him. But go ahead and do a little shopping around while you wait for the right time for the two of you to arrive. Life is too short to waste time waiting for what might be. Fondly, Mom Dear Mom, I have been to FIVE weddings already this summer. Everyone in the world is now married but me. Believe me, I have no problem not being married. But what the hell do I say next time yet another person comes up to me and asks, "Why aren't you married yet? You seem like such a nice girl." - Single and Surrounded My dear, You simply fix the asker in the eye with a haughty glare and announce loudly: "Just because I'm not married, doesn't mean I haven't been asked." Then you stomp away and leave them standing there with their mouth open. In closing, Mom would like to point out that you are not technically the only one in the world not married. Mom is bound by no bonds of matrimony. And no one ever dares to pull that shit with her. Fondly,
My boyfriend and I get along wonderfully. He is kind and sensitive and supportive and loving. But he doesn't have much of a sex drive. I'm lucky to get him to do it once a month and I am always the one who has to bring it up. Or get it up. Take your pick. What do you think of this? Do you think he is gay? - Horny in Baltimore My dear, We all have different sex drives. Some of us must perform like Energizer bunnies who just won't quit. Others of us must be roused once a year for the annual New Year's Eve bang. Most of us fall somewhere in between. But let Mom tell you this: sex is a very important part of the equation when it comes to romantic love. This is the battleground upon which we act out our hopes, our fears, our deepest drives, our need for power and our need to give up power. It is a terrible shame to be stuck with a partner who does not match your sex drive. We will all get old soon enough, at which point time may force us to slow down (Tarts excepted, of course). So don't waste these years of your life. If sex is important to you - and it should be - convert this man into a friend and find someone who understands that, while being kind and sensitive is important, there's also a time and place when it is not only appropriate - but desirable - to rip your nightgown off with his teeth so he can flip you over and roger you soundly from behind. My god, did I just write that? Fondly, Dear Mom, My boyfriend of three years just gave me the clap. He swears he does not know how or where he picked it up. I thought we had a monogamous relationship. Should I believe him? What should I do? - Dazed and Confused My dear, One does not spontaneously develop the "clap", a ubiquitous euphemism if ever there was one -- for what in god's name is there to applaud in this situation? Nor is the clap an airborne disease, no matter how enthusiastic the couple. Well, perhaps if spitting is involved... but I trust you are not dating an iguana? Nonetheless, Mom believes that, if you had know and condoned his playing around, a dose of the clap, while worth several months of penance, would be part of the bargain and not grounds for immediate dismissal. Even people practicing safe sex can get venereal diseases: I have yet to meet a couple that covered themselves with rubber sheets prior to foreplay. But since you thought you were in a monogamous relationship, this means your boyfriend is not only careless with your health, and his, he is a liar to boot. On top of that, when confronted with the proof, he has tried to weasel out of it - which makes him a worm. To sum it up, you are dating a disease-ridden, lying worm. By all means - dump him. Fondly, Dear Mom, You really hate men, don't you? - Tom from Miami My dear, I love men. As often as possible. Fondly, Hints from Mom: Remember how your mother always used to tell you to eat your oatmeal? Well, this Mom says you should do more than eat it.... lurid purposes aside, there's all kinds of nifty beauty tricks you can pull with the lowly (and cheap) oat. Oatmeal facials: mix a cup or so of oatmeal (regular or instant) with either milk or a beaten egg wite and apply to your face. Let harden. Moisten and scrub off. Removes the top layer of dead skin and leaves you looking less like a survivor of a 3-day bender with a professional hockey team. Oatmeal body scrub: work up a lather of your favorite moisturizing soap, then slowly work grains of oatmeal into the mixture until you have a thick paste. Scrub your face and body for an effective and cheap exfoliating treatment. Scrub hard enough and you can remove everything short of the Tommy Lee tattoo on your thigh. Oatmeal paste: if you get poison ivy or bad bug bites, simply mix oatmeal with just about any liquid -- pineapple juice helps draw out the poisons -- and apply over the offending spots. Be sure to rinse well before you open the door to the U.P.S. man or he will spread rumors throughout the neighorhood that you suffer from leprosy. Oatmeal baths: Itchy skin and a sunburn can both be soothed by soaking in an oatmeal bath. First whirl from 1/2 to a full cup of oatmeal in the blender until it is finely ground; pour this into your bath's running water and soak as long as needed. You can add raisins to the tub if you're feeling festive. (Mom is just kidding about the raisins...)
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from July