He's big and butch and his arm muscles bulge most satisfactorily. No, it's not Arnold Schwarzenegger (who Clive James once brilliantly described as looking like a condom stuffed to bursting with walnuts); much as I love Arnold, the thought of actually having sex with him is as frightening as the idea of doing it with an alien. Wouldn't he rip you apart by accident? No wonder you never see him shagging in the films.

Whereas Ares, our Man of the Month, is much more user-friendly. He may be a god but his proportions, while definitely manly, look mercifully human. Xena's obviously got a big thing for Gabrielle; how else could she repeatedly scorn this big hunk of manhood in a leather jerkin who keeps popping up and suggesting she team up with him? I know she doesn't want to go back to being an evil bloodthirsty warlord (lady?) roaming the land slaughtering and pillaging, but I fail to see why not sharing Ares' Big Life Plan means she can't roll in the hay with him every so often. Goodness knows she wouldn't be the first chick to shag senseless some bloke whose philosophy of life she disagrees with profoundly. I mean, if we were all that fussy we'd never get laid.

I know what everyone will be saying at this point: that beardy-goatee thing! That jerkin! But if Ares can manage to be sexy despite these handicaps, just think how it would be with the jerkin off.

Not only does he have an excellent body, he also has that unmistakeable twinkle in his eye. And he handles a broadsword REALLY well. Besides, he's a god! Don't tell me they're not better in the sack! Otherwise what would be the point of being a deity?

Every time he crosses his arms over his chest (causing aforementioned biceps to swell up most satisfactorily) and sends Xena that come-hither stare, I melt. And if she's too stupid to realise what's under her nose, or prefers Gabrielle -- who's cute but frankly not my type - that's fine with me. Ares can materialise in my front room any time.

I just hope that jerkin doesn't smell too goaty.

To see others who agree that Ares is a god, check out:
* The Ares Webring (35 sites!)
* Katgryl's extensive list of related sites
* Magdalena's Amazing Ares site
* The Ares/Xena Romance Club