April Advice From Mom....

Dear Mom,

My best friend is getting married and expects me to wear this truly hideous hot pink Maid of Honor dress with black ruffles and roses on it. When I wear it, I swear it looks like I should be dancing on a rooftop in West Side Story. I don't appreciate what she is doing to me and I have half a mind to back out.
- Insulted in Indiana

My Dear,

You clearly have no sense of what true friendship means -- or the slightest inkling about modern-day wedding customs. Of course you look hideous. That's the point. The worse you and the bridesmaids look, the better the bride appears. We mustn't have the groom experiencing second thoughts when he spots his betrothed gussied up in some get-up that looks like Scarlett O'Hara had a run-in with Donatella Versace. So bite the bullet and wear the damn dress. You can always cut it off at the butt and masquerade as Mariah Carey for next Halloween.

Just be sure to fulfill the rest of your obligations as Maid of Honor during the Big Day: you must get the bride's grandmother drunk, dance with the smelly old uncle in a plaid jacket, give the bride's younger brother a chance to slow dance with you so he can bury his nose in your breasts and, most important of all, cry so copiously during your wedding toast that 1) the lechorous old men in the crowd get the chance to wonder if you and the bride have ever gotten it on, and 2) the women in the crowd are reassured that the bride has someone to run to, other than themselves, when the marriage inevitably turns sour.

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

I am a woman and have been in love wth my best friend -- a man -- for over ten years. During that time, I have nursed him through countless heartaches, break-ups and failed relationships. The bond and sexual tension between us is stronger than any I have ever felt with another man. He never seems to be with another woman for more than three months, and then we are back to being together all the time. I think he loves me, but is afraid to say anything. I can't stand it another minute and want to confess my feelings. How should I go about this?

- Lady-in-Waiting

My Dear,

Never, that's how. Run the other way as fast as is humanly possible. You are teetering on the edge of a precipice called disaster. You know that "bond and sexual tension" you feel with him? It is called mutual dysfunction, dear. Do not participate in it any longer. You must get on with your life.

Think carefully about what you have written to me. Now, remove your blinders, and listen to Mom:

1) A man who can not sustain a relationship for more than three months over the course of ten years is an emotional cripple. It is impossible that all of these failed relationship were the fault of the other party. Clearly, he is incapable of commitment and can not fulfill the emotional requirements of a longer-term relationship. Your friend will not be cured simply because you are the other party this time around. He will freak out on schedule, only this time you will both have a great deal more to lose than a possible romantic partner: you will lose a decade-long friendship.

2) Repeat after me: Once a commitment-phobe, always a commitment-phobe. Should you go through with this foolhardy plan, you will discover a whole new side to your friend and it will not be a pretty one. Your feelings will be deeply hurt and you will most certainly want to tell him. This will only cause him to react defensively and act even more like an asshole as the relationship unravels. It's best to keep him as a friend and maintain your illusions as to his character.

3) Even if he is secretly in love with you, a man who can not express that love given your deep foundation of friendship is even more of an emotional cripple than his inability to commit would indicate alone. Do not encourage this attitude on his part. Refuse to be his life fall-back plan if nothing better comes along, which believe me, is what you are right now. He does not deserve you if he can not stand up for his love for you against his own insecurities and phobias.

Your best course of action at this point is to kick into high gear and start an affair with just about anyone else so you can work out your pent-up sexual feelings (which I suspect is at the root of this obsession with your friend). Go after a guy at the gym, the next waiter who serves you, hell, speed on the highway and proposition the state trooper who stops you. Mom does not care who you choose, just get thee to an alternate bed and fast. Like most madness, this, too, shall pass.

Fondly,

Mom

Dear Mom,

I recently agreed to a blind date arranged by a friend. Big mistake! He turned out to be a short, furry toad with a huge ego. I wanted to escape after an interminable first course, but felt that it would be rude. So I spent the rest of the dinner scanning the dining room and hoping no one I knew would spot me. It was the worst experience of my life. Should I have tried to weasel out of it before the end of the date and, if so, how? Please advise what to do in a similiar situation in the future. And what do I say to the "friend" who arranged it? I'd like to set her up with Ted Bundy to return the favor, but he's dead. What should I do if this happens again?
- Humilated in NYC

My Dear,

If that was the worst experience of your life, you really do need to get out more. Nonetheless, Mom understands that you find it hard to face the dating game again when visions of future disasters are dancing in your pretty little (and possibly empty) head. Thus, I will tell you that Mom believes even short, furry toads deserve the promised date time. So I salute you on your perseverence. However, I would have gotten as drunk as a skunk drowning in a vat of tequila by the time the appetizers got there (though only after letting the waiter know that he was to put me in a cab immediately following the meal, not Mr. Toad).

As for the friend who set you up (in the truest sense of the word): confrontation is the only possible course of action here -- what was he/she thinking?!

But I urge you not to take my word in this matter. Since I am getting a bit musty (despite extensive spraying) for these active dating games, I have taken the liberty of asking several Tarts what they want have done in your situation. Their answers and advice appear below:

Tony: I cannot give a definitive answer until you provide the most important information of all: was he rich?!

That Adams Girl: "Breaking the Rules" suggests you borrow one of the following lines to cut an unfortunate evening short:

In the frightening event these sensitive tactics fail, take his wallet then go to the ladies' room, and take a nap on one of those nice couches they provide for just these types of emergency situations. He won't notice you're gone and will have a nice time talking about himself -- and if he does notice, he's not going anywhere since you have his wallet. You will be nicely refreshed for later in the evening, when you go scavenging for male companionship of a better caliber to finish off your night properly.

Oh. And don't be too hard on your friend. She is probably in a relationship so absolutely awful that this man looked like a good catch to her.

Anonymous: Always, always set up an out clause on blind dates. A visitor from abroad who you need to ring halfway through the evening - to see if they need to get into your house - will do perfectly well. More importantly, if this friend's judgement is this bad, watch your back with her in future. As for now: yes, of course, set her up with the worst prospect you can dig up from the crypt. And tell her that if the two of them click, you and Furry Toad can double-date with them.

Lauren: Good manners rule. Especially in the face of the most brutally boring, banal schleppers and schmendricks.I have become more selective with acceptance of dates, over the years, but at least the bad ones rack up good cocktail party anecdotes. A case in point: Once, an older, Emmy-award winning brilliant woman I had interviewed, who went on to sort of adopt me when I had just moved to another city, insisted that I meet her son. She raved about his material wealth and physical, well, charm. His life, however, was, well, a Mess! Cocaine abuse & other worldly wonders I heard about in too much gruesome detail. Not to mention bad manners. Instead of taking me out for dinner, as he had suggested, he picked me up in his sports car and said he had taken the 'liberty' of preparing a meal at his HOME. Ok, he was a gourmet cook, but still. The topper -- he ended the evening by turning on CNN and then asking if I would like to take a JACUZZI with him.

Yikes! No thanks, I said, and made my escape...

Moral of the story...Blind dates can still work if you have a mutual friend. However:

1) Meet in a group.

OR

2) Meet for coffee -- easy to make a quick escape and never, never give home addresses/phone numbers to strangers.

That said, if he bores you to tears, smile and make conversation for both of you and don't chew out the friend who got you into the mess in the first place. Just don't accept their offer next time!!

Hints From Mom

Industrial-Strength Cramps Relief: For those of us who have real cramps, help is on the way. We're not talking gym teacher cramps, where you sneeze and it's all over. We're talking real gut-wrenching, "leave you lying in a fetal ball on the floor between the kitty litter tray and the toilet" kind of cramps. We're talking the kind that feel like midgets are jumping up and down inside your belly, brandishing knives and practicing kick-boxing. For those kind of cramps: calcium/magnesium tablets actually work. Like witchcraft. You can pick them up in drug stores, health food stores, and supermarkets. Check labels and make sure the back of the bottle says "serving size:1 tablet." A lot of manufacturers will say 1000 mgs on the front of the bottle, but then say "serving size 5 tablets" on the back of the bottle, meaning you have to take 5 tablets to get the suggested dose. Take 1000 mgs. every 3 to 4 hours, and more as needed. Be sure and take a new dose before you go to bed, so it will last through the night. Then say good-bye to evil-from-hell cramps forever.

Bragging rights: Too much sex give you an incipent bladder infection? As soon as the early burning begins, get thee to a herbal patch (or the produce section of a grocery store) and buy some fresh parsley. Boil water, soak about 1/4 cup of chopped parsley in it to make a strong tea, and drink up to four or five times a day. Takes care of the problem, contains less calories than cranberry juice, freshens your breath and sure as hell beats spreading 'em for the gyno yet again....

Livin' Large: If living in the Big City (or popping out babies) has left you with a closet full of too-small shoes, try stuffing your favorite pairs as tightly as possible with wet newspaper and let dry for a more spacious fit. Jamming the wet newspaper into the toes with a dowel or shoe frame also helps. If that doesn't work, try cutting off your heel or big toe like the ugly stepsisters in Cinderella. After all, we must be fashionable or die!

Got a tip for Mom? Mail your ideas to Mom@tartcity.com. Be sure to let Mom know if you'd like public credit for your hint or prefer to remain anonymous.